Laffzone: A Place For Laffz

Even More Movie Spoof Ideas for Mad Magazine

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 11:32:42 -0400

- The Duh (The Debt)

- The Sighs of Farts (The Ides of March)

- Melonballer (Melancholia)

A Few More Movie Spoof Ideas for Mad Magazine

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 11:00:41 -0400

- Rubes On The Planet That Went Ape (Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

- Muddled Bull (Moneyball)

- The Gulp! (The Help)

Some Additional Movie Spoof Title Submissions to the Esteemed Editors of Mad Magazine

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 10:35:00 -0400

- Drivel (Drive)

- Real Schlemiel (Real Steel)

- I Don’t Care Why She Does It (I Don’t Know How She Does It)

- Pete Townshend Presents: Let My Love Open The Door (To Your Pizza Oven) - Pete Best’s Missed...

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 16:48:00 -0400

- Pete Townshend Presents: Let My Love Open The Door (To Your Pizza Oven)

- Pete Best’s Missed Opportunity Pizza

- Pete Seeger’s Authentic Brick-Oven Hootenany

Reel Movies with Lance Henriksen: Lance Reviews "Jonah Hex," Part 1

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 15:31:24 -0400

Hey gang, it’s me.

Lance Henriksen.

A lot of you people out there are probably thinkin’ right now, “Hey, that’s Lance Henriksen. I’ve seen him in a whole mess of great movies like The Da Vinci Treasure and The Terminator and Sasquatch Mountain and The Right Stuff and Pirates of Treasure Island and damn knows how many more. What’s he doin’ makin’ up movie reviews?” Well, I gotta tell ya, if I’m not appearin’ in movies?

I’m watchin’ ‘em.

And if I’m not appearin’ in or watchin’ ‘em? Well, it just makes sense I’d be reviewin’ ‘em.

It just makes sense. Take it from me, Lance Henriksen.

Let me tell you a little story of mine that I know. I’ve got a lot of friends and acquaintances. Lot of my friends? Well, a lot of ‘em are movie stars. Take for instance my good pal James. James and I go way back and he’s been in almost as many damn movies as I have, and I’m Lance Damn Henriksen, man. But James has been in stuff like Blood Money and Hijacked: Flight 285 and Capricorn One and Intimate Encounters and Night of the Juggler and —- oh, what’s that? Yeah.

I’m talkin’ Mr. James Brolin. Guess you heard of him. Figured you might’ve.

So anyway, the other night I’m out on my back porch sawin’ some wood when the damn phone goes off. I pick it up and this voice comes over the line, sayin’, “Is Lance there?”

“This is Lance,” I said.

“Lance,” the voice said. “This is James Brolin.”

Well, I’ll be damned.

So James starts tellin’ me about how there’s this new movie out and his kid is starring in it. It’s called Jonah Hex, he’s tellin’ me. Never heard of it, or the kid neither, but I don’t say that to James. So then he’s askin’ me if I want to go see this movie his kid’s in, and my reaction is immediate. I say, “James, man, we go way back. Course I’ll go see your kid’s movie with you. Let’s make this happen.”

So that’s how it ended up bein’ that I went to see Jonah Hex with Mr. James Brolin.

Now, around these parts you got yourself two options when it comes to seein’ movies. You got the Carmichael 10 over in Gulfdale, and you got the Cinewonder 7 up the road in Cottontown. Makes no difference to me, man: they’re both great places to catch a movie. Plus I like taking a nice long drive in my truck, windows down, really flyin’. Best is when my dog Grouch can come with me, but they don’t allow dogs in theaters these days. Nope, not even Grouch. That’s a shame is what that is.

A damn shame.

But going back to it, I still had to choose one of them cinemas. Hell, I figure I’ll go see three more movies this week, so I can even the score later on. I ain’t playin’ favorites. No, tonight it was all about timing. So what happened then is I go out to the front porch and grab the paper.

I open it up.

Find that ol’ movie page.

Showtimes.

Yessir.

I see that this Hex movie starts at 7:10 in Gulfdale and 7:45 in Cottontown. Well, that’s when I knew how it was gonna go down.

Tonight?

Tonight I’m goin’ to Cottontown.

So next thing I do is call up my old pal, Mr. James Brolin. I dial the phone, and it starts to ring on the other end. It rings maybe three, maybe four times. This voice says, “Hello?”

“This is Lance Henriksen. Is James Brolin there?”

“Hey, Lance, this is James.”

Well, all right.

“James,” I say. “If it’s all the same to you, I suggest we go see your kid’s movie up in Cottontown. 7:45.”

“Fine by me,” says James Brolin.

“Fine by me too, man. Fine by me.”

Ain’t a couple hours later and damned if I ain’t sittin’ in a movie theater with a damn good friend of mine. I think you know who I’m talkin’ about. Yeah, that’s right. You got it now.

Mr. James Brolin.

At one point? At one point James leans over to me and says, right in my ear like, “Lance, man, I love movies but my favorite part? My favorite part of going to the movies is the previews.”

And I just look at him and I say, “Know what, man? You took the damn words right out of my mouth.”

Previews looked pretty good, man. There was one about a ship at sea and one about some guy in a mask and another about a whole bunch of animals all gettin’ along with each other and the last one was about the damn sun.

I’ll see all those movies, man. I just love movies.

Right then the whole room got reeeeaaal dark. I’ve been to enough movies to know what that means: that means the movie’s startin’.

Showtime.

Come back next month for the exciting conclusion to Lance’s review of JONAH HEX!!!

More Baby Names For Which To Name The HECK Out Of Your Very Own Baby (Pt. 2 In A Series)

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 21:42:23 -0500

Like many people on the internet, you may have seen our first installment of ideas on how to name your baby if you’re not just going to name it after your favorite Elton John song. And if you are one of those lucky souls, you may have noticed that we only made it up to the letter “K” which means there’s a whole bunch more letters in the alphabet, which means baby-names out the “Wazoo,” as they say.

So, hereforth are more letters with which your very own baby’s name might begin with!

Boys:

LARRY: Dates back to a figure in 15th Century Spain known as the Grand Inquisitor Larry of Castile, who innovated various methods of making tongues hurt a lot.

LYLE: Diminutive form of “Lylathorian,” which is the kind of car used to make time machines. Denotes rotten luck, drug addiction.

Girls:

LAURIE: Girl form of “Larry.” More likely than not to marry either a Larry or another Laurie.

LIZ: Short for “Lizard.”

Boys:

MILT: Short for Milton-Bradley. “Uncle Milty” was a nickname for Milton Berle as well as various alcoholic uncles who ruin family gatherings every goddamn year.

MURRAY: From the Alsatian “Myrrh” meaning “Geez, is it cold in here or WHAT?” Better name for a dog than a human, generally speaking.

Girls:

MELISSA: Anagrammatic of “Lime Ass” which is a kind of green donkey that tends to be extraordinarily lazy/horny.

MILIFICENT: A pretty-sounding name that secretly means your child will grow up to be an evil, scheming, witch-type murderess. See also: MURDERESSA

Boys:

NELDON: Neldon Arpmit was the first professional basketball referee, 300 years before the invention of the sport itself. This name is illegal in Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Scotland.

NORGUS: Lithuanian word meaning “heavy metal dude.” A group of three or more Norguses is referred to as a “scrum.”

Girls:

NEONELLA: A sweet name I just made up.

NORA: Mid-Olde Englishe name originally meant to convey indecisiveness. “Aye, shay’s [she’s] neigher [neither] a maergher [horse] nora horse [battleship]. Caell [call] her Nora, mates [friends]!”

Boys:

OBLERTO: Old Portuguese name, long-associated with royalty. Prince Oblerto Danza was the first in his country to realize that Portugal wasn’t just a part of Spain, but a proper country with its own language or whatever.

OLIVER: From the English meaning “more olive-like.” Contrary to the popular understanding, most Olivers are super-annoying.

Girls:

OPHELIA: Originally a Japanese name meaning “mall chick,” Ophelia became a popular name with European railworkers starting when railroads were invented. Now there are no railroads.

ORANGERIE: Although this name, of Belgian origin, was once synonymous with “prude,” the last forty years have seen it become more synonymous with “pricktease.” (“Pricktease” is a Belgian term for “wood-paneling.”)

Boys:

PAUL: On the road to Damascus, Saul changed his name to Paul so he could make it big in Hollywood.

P. F.: Name popularized by restaurateur P. F. (“P.J.” F. [Scott]) Chang. This later inspired songwriter Oblerto Sloan to change his name to P. F. Sloan so he could make it big in Hollywood. He did!

Girls:

POBLANO: Diminutive feminine of “Pope,” which is funny because a female pope? Come on!

PEG: Misspelling of “Meg” that just held on, tenaciously, thanks to generations of idiots.

Boys:

QUIDDLESTON: Common name among Ivy League students, shysters, and the guy who cleans my furnace.

Q9-LMN: Droid name.

Girls:

QUICHE: No “real men” jokes har har har!! But seriously, this French name has been rarely used since the late 1700s, when Countess Quiche d’Uvula (“The Shoe’d Contessa”) was beheaded.

QUILA: Short for “Tequila,” a name that would just make a lot of people very, very sad for your daughter.

Boys:

RA’S AL GHUL: Popular among Irish-American immigrants in the 1930s, eg. comedian Ra’s Al Ghul Mooney, known for playing hapless policemen.

ROQUEFORT: Now mainly thought of as a kind of cheese made from sheep’s milk, Rodalio Wendell Roquefort was a renowned, swashbuckling libertine, often seen with his prize-winning sheep, known for their soft, creamy milk (which he frequently made into cheese).

Girls:

RAGGEDY-ANN: Really the only option if your baby girl has a flat, red triangle where her nose should be. Raggedy-Ann Barnaby was the United States Secretary of Transportation during the third Taft Administration.

ROOF: Mispronunciation of “Ruth,” common due to Ruths often being the daughters of toothless hillbillies.

Boys:

SLANDON: Slandon Fields, Kentucky was the site of the final battle in the Civil War, fought by confused, elderly soldiers in August 1924.

STARCHILD: Nicknames include Starchie, Startcho, Starchface, Starchopolis.

Girls:

SHALALALAMA: Midlothian for “shirt covered in food.” Shalalalalama Eubanks was the astronaut daughter of game show personality Bob Eubanks. Both were murdered by Ted Bundy — exactly ten years ago tonight!!!!

SONYA: Femine form of “Sony” - famed for their TVs and play-stations.

Boys:

THARGURN: Common name chosen by D&D players who think they’re making up a brand-new, Tolkein-sounding name but they’re actually just like the thousandth person to come up with “Thargurn.”

TUXEDOMAN: He’s spiffy! He’s spatty! He’s outragous, contagious and batty! He’s fancy! Look at him dancing! He totally stupenderous, positively boisterous, he’s the famous Tuxedomaaaaaaaan!

Girls:

TENSE: Short for “Hortense.” And look, as bad a name as “Tense” is, it’s way better than “Hortense.”

TISH: Phonetically, it’s “shit” backwards, but nobody will remember that when they get to know your lovely, charismatic daughter!

BABY NAMES FOR LETTERS U THRU ZED COMING UP NEXT THURSDAY!!!

Letters To The Editor

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 11:04:22 -0500

Dear Makers of Laffzone,

I very much enjoyed your article on wood-bending [“From A Stupid Tree To A Comfy As Hell Chair: The Art Of Making Wood Into Things,” August 4, 2010], but after utilizing several of the techniques described therein, I’ve had some pretty major issues, both medical and fire-related. While it’s not in my nature to complain, and I really do wish the author of the piece (and all the rest of you Laffzone knuckleheads!) nothing but the best, I’m wondering if perhaps the topic should be revisited? For instance, using the (very-flammable) industrial glue to “soften” oak (which it most certainly doesn’t do!), as suggested in Step 9, led to the evacuation of my entire apartment building because of dangerous, noxious, and very flammable(!) fumes. Normally, I don’t mind being hospitalized, but in this case it was my son’s graduation (not your fault, I know), and I just hated to have to miss it.

Anyway, please don’t stop publishing your thing. Just try and be careful!

Best of luck,

Talia Huntensletter, Cample, MD

Thanks, Talia! Send us some pictures of your wood projects and we’ll put them up on the site!

Dear Ed(itors),

I’ve only seen the movie ten times, so maybe I’m just a “know-nothing,” but I really have to take issue with your movie reviewer’s “F” grade on the new Harry Potter movie [“Ugh, Harry Potter? More Like Horrible Plodder!: The Worst Yet In A Long Line Of Utterly Worthless Movies Made By Jerks For Idiots”].

I realize that no movie can please everybody, but it seems like your “review” was just a series of alliterative put-downs like: “Potter’s one pretty putrid pile of pure pigeon-puke” and “this film flop flips flagrantly from fuddy-duddy flunkery to flat-out fart-tastic flabbiness,” and “garish goons gallivant gluttonously, giving guttural glimpses to gumshoe goblins.” That last one I can’t even figure out how it has anything to do with the movie!

Opinions, as they say, are like haircuts — everybody’s got one! I’m just thinking maybe next time you could offer another opinion, point/counter-point style. Just an idea!

Hugh Ewing, Sebastapol, ID

Thanks for the input, Hugh, but you sure put the “ass” in “assonance!” J/k, buddy.

Dear Laffzone Staff,

Or should that be STAFFZONE? Ha ha. That’s all. Peace out!

Jorge Westerly, Chalice, ND

Thanks for that one, Jorge! I haven’t laughed that hard since my mom’s surgery!

ATTN: Editorial:

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVRYHTING? OR EVEN ANTYHING? YOUR JUST A BUNCH OF SNIVVELING LIBREL MEDIA RETRADS AND IM NEVER VISITTING YOU’RE SIGHT AGAIN AND MY FAMILYS BOYCOTING ALL YOUR SPONSERS [“A Little Old Driver, So Lively And Quick: The Top 20 Most Indelible Portrayals of Santa Claus”]

Clancy Horne, Seattle, WA

Wow, Clancy, you really don’t like Edmund Gwenn! ;)

While I appreciated your article on beets [“Beets Me: 501 Uses For Beets That Don’t Require Water, Heat, Electricity, Or Drums,” September 2009], I felt your approach to Devo [“Q: Are They Any Good? A: They’re OK If You Like They Might Be Giants: Devo, Post-Culturism, The Yahoo Generation, And The Dangers Of Relativist Pop: A Reconsideration of Devo,” Spring 2008] was as reductivist as your series on cattle [“‘Til The Cows Come… Homelessness?: Issues Of Vagrancy In The Beef Industry,” June 2010], and paled next to Ruthrop’s hilarious satirical tirade against the Carter administration [“Jimmy Crack Corn And I DO Care: Why Carter Failed Israel And Why It Doesn’t Matter,” April 1989], I enjoyed it on the whole.

But [“Legends Of Dentistry Revealed, Pt. 9: Did Dr. Marvin Schemmel DDS Remove Diana Ross’s Wisdom Teeth With A Stapler?” Noon, 1995] why [“How To Travel Libya For $45/Day,” Christmas Special, 2002] does [“A Gentleman Can Live Through Anything: A Virtual Tour Of William Faulkner’s South With Photographer Marlon Dreck,” October 2011] your [“Sexy Tips For The Perfect Carrot Costume,” Q1 FY06] site [“Review: Seasons 1-4 Of Scrubs,” Literary Annual, No. 45] load [“Consumer Alert!: Arizona Tea Found To Cause Measles In Mice,” November/July 1999] so [“Uh-Huh! And Other Words, Phrases, And Acronyms That Feature The Letter U,” Halloween Special 1876] slowly [“B.B. King’s Bastard Love-Child To Host 93rd Annual Clauding Day Roast Of Steven Baldwin,” March 2001] on [“How Black Sabbath Saved My Life, And Other Stupid Things Written By Chuck Klosterman,” unpublished] my [“10 Ways To Know Your Dad Is Cheating On His New Wife With Your Mom,” April Fools Day Special 2009] laptop [“Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah: A Post-Freudian Approach To Allan Sherman’s Dystopic Vision Of America,” May 2012]?

Mal Groon, Buttonville, IL

Ask your favorite IT guy to be sure, but maybe try disabling cookies? Good luck, and keep reading!

Part II of The Winky Sturges Tough Guide to All That Jazz (and Rock & Country): In This Edition The Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Albums By The Doors

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 13:30:00 -0500

James Hannibal Morrison: An American Guy (1943-1971)

Hello! Remember last time when I told you about the first, second, and third albums of the Doors? (If not you can find it HERE.) Well, I did a little digging (online) and discovered three more records by the selfsame band!

THE DOORS: A SOFT PARADE (1982): Legend has it that Jim and Ray (Morrison and Manzarek are their last names) of the Doors were asked to take part in the 89th Annual Clauding Day Parade in Niceville, Florida. Having never seen a parade before (parades had just been invented) they were absolutely floored by the experience—so floored that they nearly changed their bandname to The Flooreds, but were voted down by bandmates Tagg Chance, Chloe Feldberg, Magnus Klorrr, Dennis, Odie Bulletpan, Kaspar Gluten, Tennis Freehold, Cher (not that Cher), Shang-Chi, Mister Pony, Jar Jar Barrymore, Jeff “Skunk” Skunkster, and Lefty Smedweather (guitar, guitar, bass, drums, bass, percussion, keys, guitar, backup vocals, percussion, guitar, and bass, and drums, respectively).

Anyway, the point is Rim and Jay (as they often jokingly referred to one another) became obsessed with the brave new world of paradism and rushed into their rehearsal space to start penning a concept album on the subject (parades).

And the result of those frenzied songwriting sessions? None other than the Doors’ finest album, Soft Parades. The first track is called “Tell All The People” and is about telling people about how great parades are. It features an all-oriental brass band and someone playing the congas. The Beatles often cited this as their most favorite song of the ’60s, and it’s easy to see why!

Secondly on this album is a song called “Do It” which you might remember from the famous Nike commercials in the 1990s directed by Spike Lee.

Third up is a song called “Sha-man’s Blues” which Jim wrote about the time he was abducted by aliens and one of them entered his body and told him how to become a Shape Man or “sha-man” (pronounced “shommin”). A Shape Man, he was told, can turn into a rectangle or triangle or question mark, but not a circle. Hence his “blues.”

Next up is “Easy Ride” and for once I’m not even kidding you with this: I’ve listened to the Soft Parade roughly nine million times over the past twenty years and for the life of me I cannot remember how this one goes. I assume it’s pretty good, though, because it’s on a Doors album and they only allowed the best, most-excellent tunes onto their product. If someone can hum this one to me to jog my memory, please call Tuskaloosa-4542, and ask for bigdoorsfan1991. Onward!

Moving on to Side 2, you get the all-time classic “Wild Child,” another in a long line of Morrison songs to feature two words in the title that rhyme. Other examples include “Long Song,” “Dear Beer,” “Cool Stool,” “Tan Man,” and “Sad Dad.”

Moving on to Song 2 on Side 2, we come to “Runnin’ Blue” which is the Doors taking a crack at country & western (or “counwestryern”) music. The “Otis” referred to in the opening lines (“Poor Otis dead and gone…”) is of course the famous inventor of the elevator, Otis T. Elevator.

Penultimately is the pretty ballad “Wishful, Sinful” which features bird and pterodactyl noises and other colorful sound effects (like wind). This heartbreaking tune was written by guitarist Handsome Jake Hornblower about his girlfriend, Larry (sadly now dead).

Finally, the last song of this minirockopera/suite/opus/album/souffle is the long (in terms of length) “That Soft Parade,” which contains nine thousand verses and only one chorus (“SOFT! PARADE! SOFT! PARADE! YEAH! SUCH A SOFT! PARADE!”). This song is in 9/7 time, I’m pretty sure, but you’d have to ask a drummer.

If you asked me to sum up this collection of tunes, I would say: “Another bullseye by the Doors!” and then laugh.

THE DOORS: MORRISON HOTEL (2067): By now The Doors had made a whole bunch of albums (like nine or something) but there was one area they hadn’t yet touched. That’s right, I’m talking about the blues.

With Morrison Hotel—named after an actual hotel that was named after Doors singer Jim Morrison, who was himself named after the famous hotel, which was named after this (self-titled) album—the Doors would crash headlong into the shiny brick wall of the blues with songs like “Roadhouse (Blues).” With its famous exhortation to “let it roll, baby, roll” and the famous line “Woke up this mornin’ and I got myself up here,” it may be the definitive blues song of all time, and certainly one of the very first.

Elsewhere on the album, the band flexes their musical muscles like musical body-builders with huge, bulging muscles, both musical and otherwise. Songs like “Land Ho” (about a boat) and “Ship of Fools” (about a different boat) became instant classics (especially among boaters), and “Peace Frog” was their finest animal song since “Twentieth Century Fox.”

The only bummer about Morrison Hotel is that there are no long compositions like the ones that made the Doors so famous. Thankfully, modern digital technology allows us to play all of the tunes at a mere fraction of their original speed, stretching out such too-short numbers as “You Make Me Real” and “Blue Sunday” to epic, Doors-ian lengths. If you don’t know how to do this, ask someone on the street or buy a book for Christ’s sake.

The album also features the song “The Spy” which has been used in at least four James Bond movies for obvious reasons.

But the Doors wouldn’t be resting on their laurels for long—only like seven or eight years—because their next move would surprise even themselves … and others! Please read on!

THE DOORS: LA WOMAN (the Sixties): As everyone knows, shortly before his death (or is it??!?), Jim Morrison moved to France. What maybe you don’t know is that he went there to learn how to speak their beautiful language. As he soon discovered, that language was known as French, as in the toast.

Hence the confusing title of this, the final album by Le Doors.

The first song on La Woman is “The Changeling” (pronounced “chang-a-ling” like the sound your keys might make) and it’s about keys, and the sounds they make. Expert rock critic Greil Marcus once said, “I will have the turkey,” because he was in a restaurant in Bridgeport and that was the only thing on the menu that looked good. Along the same lines, this song is GOOD.

The second song on the album is the famous hit “(Doncha) Love Her Madly?” The “her” of the title is as mysterious as Mona Lisa’s smile, and twice as sexy! If I had to guess, I would guess that this song is about the guitarist’s girlfriend because he wrote the song and if he wrote it about another woman his girlfriend would likely be upset, especially if he wrote it about someone else’s girlfriend (like Jim’s) in which case not only would his own girlfriend be mad at him but the other girl’s boyfriend would be mad at him and since these are turbulent times we’re talking about (JFK had just been assassinated, the Korean War loomed), there might have been a lot of yelling and screaming which would have completely ruined the song.

The third and fourth songs on Side One and the fourth song on Side Two are all what you might call blues numbers. Speaking of numbers, that comes out to 3+4 times ONE, which is 7, to the power of 4 times TWO, or 7 to the 8th power which is probably a pretty big number (in the thousands or so) but don’t ask the Doors what the answer is because they’re too busy playing music to carry around calculators. But if you WERE going to ask one of them, I would ask Ray because he’s the one in the glasses and therefore most likely to have such a thing.

All of the other songs on the album are about killer robots and most of them rhyme.

And there you have the magnificent career of the fabulous DOORS! Check in next week when we examine every Eurovision Song Contest winner since 1956!

Ideas for Tumblrs that would have made us millionaires

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 16:18:07 -0500

Given the recent scare (someone jumped out and surprised me while i was checking my mail cubbie at work and I screamed) we decided it was time to backup our precious tumblr and all its precious gold of comedy and gold.

It didn’t take long to back up, we realized, because we put a lot of words on this thing, and not many photos. It got us thinking: If Ricky Schroeder’s riding toy train went outside, wouldn’t there be a terrible draft through the house? Then we thought about what else we could have been spending our time chronicling on this here “Tumbler” that would have gotten us a book deal and the millions of dollars anyone who gets a book published obviously makes. I mean, who ever heard of bad writing? We don’t!

So the key seems to be PHOTOS — and lots of ‘em. Lots ‘n’ lots of photos centered around a charming theme that illuminates humanity in all its glorious variety and pathos (whatever those are!), and very few, if any, words.

We’re still hoping to cash in on a Laffzbook one of these days, but until then here are some surefire ideas for photoblogs (or “phlogs”) we’re happy to share with you.

AND HEREWITH AN ALPHABETIZED LIST OF IDEAS FOR BLOG-THEMES THAT WILL DEFINITELY RESULT IN A LUCRATIVE PUBLISHING CONTRACT AND COFFEETABLE-SIZED BOOK

photos of gross pizzas
dogs in cat costumes
people I photographed on the way to work who were dressed weird
sidewalk barf
candy that accidentally went through the wash
pretty girls playing Magic: The Gathering
Japanese cowboys
Bodegas
fire hydrants that people painted funny
squirrels I have known
obscene snowmen
cats in the pool!
Hasidim looking surprised by something
fat surfers
hideous guitars
giant fake cakes after people have jumped out of them
pretty girls who work at minimarts
gross doughnuts
40+ year olds playing Xbox
babies in KISS makeup
people riding people like horses
pictures of people looking at pictures they just took in a photobooth
clowns without makeup
my friends having more fun than you
mimes yelling at non-mimes
weird bike locks
mismatched socks
people taking public transportation from sporting events
parents getting stoned
drawers full of menus
Chinese-run Mexican restaurants
Mexican-run Chinese restaurants
Sad mini-golf places
last-place science projects
people waiting in line at Rachel Ray book-signings
Disneyland employees dressed as Disney characters just standing around
water bottles filled with pee
buffet tables
dance classes you can see from the street
undeliverable mail
mediocre tattoos
signs with unnecessary apostrophes
pretty girls eating buffalo wings
bars that keep Christmas decorations up year-round
illegaly parked cars
men getting their inseam measurements
stores where you can’t tell what they sell
zoo animals that look just like animals you see all the time
80s stickers

Our Favorite Dennis Miller Jokes

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 14:27:00 -0500

“When I brought home the poodle, my girlfriend started screaming louder than Tammy Faye Baker at a Kentucky Colonels performance of ‘Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina’ during the Jerry Lewis telethon.”

“They looked like Donnie and Marie sharing snack cakes with Anwar Sadat on the set of ‘Now, Voyager’ on Flag Day.”

“Trains are fine I guess but you’d think they were turning passengers into gold-plated chicken fried rice encyclopedias on the way to Jerry Lee Lewis’s suite at Alcatraz.”

“He smelled like Connie Francis after an acid bath on the forest moon of Endor with a side salad and Red Foxx’s Gary Busey impression.”

“I’d smack him faster than Beetle Bailey on a coke jag wearing Tip O’Neil’s dickie strapped to a Ford Fairlane with leopard print spandex suspenders.”

“That woman eats more than Rob Lowe’s chauffeur on his way to Subway to pick up birthday presents for Nel Carter’s bathing suit in the Philippines.”

“Have you seen this World Series of Poker? It’s like an egg timer got loose at a Public Enemy concert where Umberto Eco is the opening act.”

“The American legal system has more holes in it than a Rudy Valentino poster in a prison yard with Larry Flynt’s rolodex at the Jerry Lewis telethon.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love cake. It’s just that when Congress starts telling me where to keep my Pearl Buck commemorative napkin set I know something’s wrong with this country.”

“That’s the thing about the French, you know? They surrender like Melvin Van Peebles during a midnight showing of ‘The Seventh Seal’ in Talahassee in leopard print spandex suspenders.”

“So I read something in the news today. They say the sun’s going to explode sooner than Gary Busey’s taillights at a Radio Shack Christmas party in San Bernardino with Loggins and Messina on eight track cassette.”

“Enough with the gourmet cheese obsession people. It’s like everybody went to see the same Imamura film marathon and then immediately drove to Petco because they heard they were having a methadone sale.”

“Hey folks, let’s stop it with the microwaves, ok?”

“The democrats want to raise taxes. Last time I checked, this country was going faster than Jerry Van Dyke’s drool cup in a Marcel Proust adaptation starring the Yancy Street Irregulars and Bishop Desmond Tutu.”

“Michael Jackson was on TV last night. General Burnside, Daisy Buchanan, Gary Busey, Jerry Lewis Telethon, Tito Puente, Carol Channing, the Ayatollah, Mexican food, Gary Busey.”

Harvee Plemptum's T(error)rrrrrr-ific Costume Ideas for Hallo-"ween!"

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 12:46:00 -0400

Above: Harv and his Phi-Delt brothers dressed as “The Minnesota Vikings.” The distinctive helmets were made out of ”papier-machete.”

Well, it may be hard to believe but another Clauding Day has come and gone (our offices still smell like vanilla-scented candle!), and you know what that means: only three short weeks before it’s Halloween! Get ready!

We had such an overwhelming response (letters, postcards, packages, summonses, late-night phone calls, and a few unexpected house calls!) to last year’s Halloween column that we knew we’d have to do another. Plus it fulfills part of our plea bargain.

But we also listened to (some or) all your valuable feedback! Many readers complained that the ideas, while good, were somewhat confusing and not specific enough, resulting in embarrassment, fatalities, minor injuries, death, head-severage, peed-pants, and varicose cramps! Sounds like a Halloween party to me mwahahahahaha.

But seriously. We’ve simplified, going bare-bones (get it? skeletons!) by dividing this year’s costume concepts into a scant 19 special categories so you can find the best get-up for your personality! Simply take your age, multiply it by your interests and hobbies, and line up your height, weight (in stones), and favorite temperature to reveal your “Hallo-Costumer’s Frygian Personality Index Quotient” serial number—It’s just that easy! And before you know it you’ll be winning costume contest prizes faster than you can say “help me out of this boba fett mask I’m suffocating!!!”

X/K89762 - (Boy, Scary, Age 9-11): WALRUS

There’s nothing in or near the ocean quite as terrifying as a full-grown Blarn-tusked Aphasian Walrus Monster, commonly known as the “walrus.” And ever since the hit movie VLAARBL: Legend Of The Last Killer Walrus starring Roy Sheider and Hal Holbrook, teenage boys have been clamoring like Ecuadoreans on All Clauding’s Eve for the perfect walrus costume—or “coz-choom” as the English say! (Those drunks!) For this one, just tie seven wool or dacron blankets together and knead with mottling fluid for three afternoons. Add oranges for the eyeballs and get ready to tusk!

HG/KJ77651 - (Girl, Scary/Pretty, Ages 13-16): NIA VARDOLOS

Before her fame as an accomplished comedienne on film and television, Nia Vardolos was a well-renowned serial killer. Her sterling record of nearly 40 murders in 17 different states over the course of the early ’90s makes her a perfect subject for any high-school age girl looking for a potent blend of the sexy and the spooky! The key to the Nia Vardolos costume is the orthopaedic back brace (available for between $700-$1599 from most medical suppliers) to give that distinctive “Nia lean.” Add a 14” kitchen knife and you’re ready for a big, fat, Greek bloodletting! Note: ”homely” (ugly) girls should not try this costume — I’m looking at you, Caitlin Sanford of Millerville, Virginia!

XD/Y786JH5 - (Boy, Scary/Historical, Ages 5-34): MUMMY IN KNIGHT ARMOR

Mummies, of course, are one of the more desirable choices for Halloween, but for most parents it is cost-prohibitive to travel all the way to Egypt to procure the necessary Egyptian toilet paper to construct a truly authentic-looking mummy outfit. This, then, is an ideal solution: no one will know you’re not wrapped in “mummy-tape” underneath all that metal, and the knight costume itself is easily constructed from whatever armor you have around the house. Don’t forget to walk mummy-style, though! Otherwise they might think you’re a vampire in knight armor!

RM-X766564/Li6 - (Boy, Scary/Terrifying/Gory/Satanic, Ages 9-23): PUMPKIN

Garbage bag; orange-ish paint; orchid leaves.

87G-ZT433 - (Girl, Pretty/Cute/Animal-Lover, Ages 5-11): PONY

Most little girls love ponies — and rightly so! Of all the animals in the kingdom which bears their name (animal), ponies are the least likely to attack and maul. Therefore, when constructing your Pony costume, it is extremely important to not place over-emphasis on the fangs, claws, or burning-red eyeballs. Another common error is making a roaring or snarling sound while in the costume. Rather, ponies tend to make a flat, buzzing noise, similar to a space-heater. Additionally, the inside of the costume can get extremely hot, so it is best to remain nude underneath.

TR4//XHD99.7Q -(Boy, Husky/Bully/Pervert/Likes Model Trains, Ages 11-17): iPhone

Everyone loves the iPhone, or really iAnything at all, but not everyone iThinks it could be made into an iCostume. iDo! HAHAHA! The best part about this costume is that it requires very little preparation. Just dismantle one of your home computers and paste the various parts to your body or underpants. If you’re low on spare computers dismantle a television or microwave oven. Be sure to unplug these appliances before dismantling them or you’ll be in for a SHOCKING surprise (death). If you have red eyes, use the same steps and voila! You can be the Terminator or Wall-E for Hollownight.

If your Sennheiser/Klron Index number wasn’t on this list, simply dress up as one of the Ghostbusters!

Happy ‘Weening, Everybody!

"Your Screams Are Like A Fine Red Wine -- OF KNIVES!" - Part Two of the Most Sensationally Sinister S.O.B.'s in Screen History!

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:59:21 -0400

Last week (or so) we began our epic countdown of the baddest baddies from movies, television, film, TV, and the screen (big AND small). You can check that out: HERE

Now, because you asked for it — nay, DEMANDED it! — here is the rest of our skin-crawling list of most villainous villains ever!

5. MOMNARG - KING KONG VS. MOMNARG, GODZILLA MEETS MOMNARG, SON OF MOMNARG’S DAD

Of all the giant monsters that have populated the various Godzilla movies over the years, perhaps none is so beloved/reviled as Momnarg, The Atomic Rooster. Unlike most of ol’ ‘Zilla’s skyscraping sparring partners, “Mom” isn’t from Japan but Ann Arbor, where he was spawned when a hydrogen bomb was detonated at a University of Michigan football game. Famous for his hatred of adorable children and insatiable appetite for national monuments, Momnarg is also a noted classical pianist, having studied at Julliard and the Hoch Conservatory in Frankfurt.

4. BENNY “HEADBANGER” LANGHORNE - WITH THIS RING I THEE MURDER Parts I - IX

While not strictly a villain, as he is revealed in the fifth installment to be the hero of this nine-film series, few have made audiences shiver quite like Benny Headbanger. Benny was a hard-rock loving teenager who was listening to his favorite band Slayheart one night when a tornado swept through his neighborhood. The swirling winds caused his record player to play backwards, which conjured an evil demon called Aiglogogodu the Black. The demon devoured Benny, along with all his t-shirts, before zipping back to hell. Benny’s ghost returned, however, with a mission to avenge himself by murdering all the teenagers in the small town of Limehope. Over the course of the next few movies, Benny Headbanger sliced and swallowed scores of kids, before eventually using his supernatural powers to defeat an evil land baron in With This Ring I Thee Murder V: Prime Real Estate.

3. CORNELIUS GEPHARDT - FALCON CREST

Forever plotting to ruin the glamorous Channing family, Cornelius fiendishly glowered his way through 12 seasons of do-baddery (three seasons longer than the show itself). Portrayed in the first year by Powers Booth, Corny set fire to the Menthol Hotel, strangled Laddie Cumson, hired a Meredith lookalike to drunkenly attack Jonah in the Sebring Inn, tied Kitty Hogan to a sinking yacht, made Dougie Beltway eat glass, made Laney Beltway eat peanut butter (her least favorite butter), beheaded Caleb, decapitated Sathington, guillotined Prentiss, decollated Randall, and chopped off Thurpton’s head with a thesaurus — and this was just in the pilot episode! In later seasons, Corny was played by such actors as Adam West, Manny Hagman (Larry’s brother), and Donald Pleasance, but none could match Booth’s original, iconic take on what TV Guide and the New Statesman both called the “ultimate handsome horror”

2. SKELETOR - MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE/HE-MAN/THE HE-MAN SHOW/HE-MAN AND HIS FRIENDS, THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE/HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE: RACE FOR THE UNIVERSE/HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE RACE/HE-MAN’S MASTER RACE/THE SKELETOR VARIETY HOUR/HE-MAN AND SKELETOR’S WONDERFUL WORLD OF ANIMALS/SKELETOR/THE BOB SKELETOR SHOW/SKELETOR PRESENTS: AMERICA’S FAVORITE TALENTED KIDS/SKELETOR AFTER DARK/SKELETOR’D

Frankly, I don’t even like THINKING about Skeletor. Let’s just move on to number one on our countdown…

1. PUNKS - TONS OF MOVIES

Who else could top our list of loathsome louts? Let’s face it, Punks are responsible for most of the evil that gets done in movies. They’re mean, they dress weird, they listen to annoying music, they snatch purses, they give people the finger, and they have made life absolute heck for Charles Bronson on any number of occasions. More importantly, they’ve given filmmakers a great opportunity to avoid charges of racism by offering a mainly white stereotype to appear as muggers, rapists, and anarchic killers in any generic urban setting. Better yet, the “Punk Look” always seems vaguely futuristic/post-apocalyptic, so it looks like punks will continue to torment, stab, spray-paint, and humorously irritate us for decades to come!

(DIS!)HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Jabba the Hutt
Psycho
Meryl Streep
Hagar the Horrible
Christine (the car)
The Crypt-Keeper
Karen the Hutt
The Penguin (Burgess Meredith version)
Indians
Blair (the witch) (from the project)
Jaws (both the shark and Richard Kiel)
The Middle East
Ganon

Naming Your Baby A-Z: Babyname Meanings, Origins, and Occult-Power Ratings, by Les Jergens

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 13:39:06 -0400

Scientists project that more babies will be born in the year 2011 than any other year since dinosaurs roamed the Earth. While this means many things for our society (a stronger labor force, fewer plane crashes, weight loss), what it means for the millions of new-dads and moms is that all these fresh faces will need names to go along with them. While it’s nice to consider a world where infants are assigned numbers at birth, rather than easy-to-forget names, this is reality. And in reality, babies need names.

So if you’re expecting (a baby, i.e. “pregnant”), you may want to take a look at this helpful list of some of the greatest babynames out there, and how they might fit the personality you want your child to have. Remember, there’s no such thing as a “bad” name for your baby — just ask my 8-month old daughter Neckfank!

Boys:

ABNER/ABNERTH: Short for “Abnermarthymnyp,” which is long for the Scotch word “Abner” meaning “abn.”

ARTHUR: Means “tall-ish, covered in seaweed.” Armenian origin, becoming popular in 9th Century England among bakers and cattle. Famous Arthurs: comical alcoholic Arthur Bach, King Arthur, botanist Arthur M. Hitler.

Girls:

ANGIE: Means “formerly angelic, now sort of dumpy.” From Greek “αγγειεκτασία,” a mythical fluid tasting of mint and copper. Rolling Stones song “Angie” is about horseracing.

ASHLEY: Means “you’re telling ME!” Seems like a nice name until you actually meet someone named Ashley.

Boys:

BAGSLEY: Frequent nickname for someone with the last name “Baggles” or “Baggington.”

BRIAN: Anagrams: brain, nairb, arnib, irban. Brian Colcourt invented the jump rope.

Girls:

BETTE/BETTY: Bette Davis was a popular film actress known for playing men and skeletons.

BREANNA: Ontharian name meaning “7,092.” Breannas tend to require regular watering and intense concentration.

Boys:

CARL: From the French “carueauxlieu” meaning “heat pig.” Carlos Santana added the ending “os” to his name to avoid confusion with Carl Sandburg.

CHISEL: Means “chisel.” Parents should avoid this name unless they are certain the baby will be either extremely aggressive or archly ironic.

Girls:

CHAMOMILE: A kind of disgusting tea.

COLLEEN: Irish variation on Cthulaigh, a woman of loose morals who tried to stop St. Patrick from ridding Ireland of snakes or whatever it was. Famed actress Colleen Dewhurst died of insect poisoning.

Boys:

DEREK/DERRICK/DRICK: Icelandic word for “heavy drinker.” Not recommended if you have another child named Eric or Laric.

DUNPERTH: A village in Wales, famed for its tall women.

Girls:

DELILAH: Slutty lady in the bible. Franklin Delilah Roosevelt was the first woman president of the United States, on Earth-8653.

DOLORES: Rhymes with “floors.”

Boys:

EDWARD: Preferable to Edwin, Edgar, or Edmund, as those tend to be hunchback names. Edward Hambleton wrote “The Hambleton Chronicles” in 1867.

ELDARD: Popular among astronomers. Alternately spelled “El Dardo.”

Girls:

EMMA: Short for Emmaldahyde.

EUNICE: From the Greek for “springtime blossom” but let’s face it: it’s really close to “Eunuch.”

Boys:

FALDERHERN: Lord Falderhern of Canth was the first man to cross the English Channel in wool pants. Other famous examples include Falderhern Einstein, Falderhern Tchaikovsky, and Falderhern Tormé.

FRANKY: A great name if you want your child to fail at everything.

Girls:

FELICITY: From the Latin meaning “City of Cats.” Actress Felicity Huffman played a man once, but it’s not like I can tell you what to do.

FREDA: Polyponnesian fruit, known for its amphetamine-like effect.

Boys:

GARY: Old Testament name that got left out accidentally. Gary Gilmore tried to ruin it, but you just can’t murder the name “Gary.”

GOLDHAMMER: Kickass name meaning “I win at sports.” Congressman Goldhammer Yourp is responsible for legalizing casual conversation in public restrooms.

Girls:

GLADYS: Acronym for Great Lakes Association for Disabled Yemeni Sailors.

GIULIA: Perverted spelling of “Julia.”

Boys:

HAROLD: Arabic name meaning “camel-thief.” Harold Ramis played Egon in Ghostbusters, and the more I think about it, the more I think maybe you should just name your kid “Egon.”

HUNTER: This name requires cool sunglasses. Popular nicknames include Hunt, Hunty, Huntsies, Hunto, and Unt-hay.

Girls:

HILDA: Short for “Hildahildahildahilda.” It has been said that Hilda Mayweather would have been the world’s most famous actress if not for her horrible first name.

HOLLY: From the Hopi for “Martian Deathray Cannon.” Academy Award winner Holly Hunter also went by Holly Huntsies.

Boys:

IRVING: Continuous aspect form of the verb “Irv” meaning “to fill with hot sauce.”

IVOR: Short for “Ivory,” a kind of fancy soap for sissies.

Girls:

IMILY: Variation on “Emily.” Imily Peacocker helped design the first miniature helicopter for ants.

ISABELLE: Confusing because it sounds like the end of a sentence. Like, what if you wanted to say your daugher was a “belle” (pretty girl)? You’d be forced to say “Isabelle is a belle” which would make you sound like you had a stutter or something. Avoid.

Boys:

JAGOFF: Very popular in the United States until relatively recently.

JERKOV: Very popular in Russia to this day. Means “jerkoff.”

Girls:

JANELLE: From the Swedish for “wicked temptress.” Janelle Hurmbluth played the weird-looking Nazi guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

JOYCE: From Johlls, the Norse goddess of Math.

Boys:

KA-ZAR: Jungle lord.

KENNY: Short for Kennyeth. Country-pop singer Kenny Newton-John attempted to break into music by hopping on the “Newton-John” craze, but his first album was banned for being too racist.

Girls:

KATHLERINE: A common misspelling of “Katherine.” Means “out by the old shed” in Nevadan.

KAMANTHA: Kamantha Saxby was one of the famed “Sizzlin’ Six,” a gang of lady bankrobbers in the 1930s. She was badly injured in a hail of gunfire in Larpley, Georgia, and then killed nine minutes later in another hail of gunfire.

Check back in next Monday for more babyname explanations!

Exclusive Interview with Robbie-James Buckletter, Host Of GROSS-OUT GAUNTLET

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 15:03:48 -0400

The legendary standup comedian Robbie-James Buckletter is known to millions of fans as the originator of “Rules For A Successful Midwestern BBQ,” a comedy routine-cum-cottage industry that has grown to include three books, a popular website, numerous TV appearances, and a hugely successful line of hilarious t-shirts. Now Buckletter is unveiling a new series (airing on the Plop!TV network) called GROSS-OUT GAUNTLET, which he hosts and serves as creator and executive producer. We spoke to Buckletter about the new show, eating lizard paste, “BBQ-groupies,” and why puking is good for America.

LAFFZONE: What is the general concept for GROSS-OUT GAUNTLET?

ROBBIE-JAMES BUCKLETTER: GROSS-OUT GAUNTLET is the world’s first eXtreme gross-out digustathon puke-centric game show. My daughter calls it an “OMGameshow.” You’ve never seen anything like it. Basically, contestants compete on the show for a chance to win $1,000 cash, but first they have to face the GAUNTLET. The gauntlet tests both what they’re willing to do for money and how much the viewer can handle.

LZ: So it will be pretty gross?

RJB: It will be the grossest thing you ever saw. We have a disclaimer at the beginning about how people should keep a bucket next to the couch in case they suddenly have to throw up. My daughter calls it the “WTFBucket.”

LZ: Where do you get the ideas for your gross-out challenges?

RJB: All over. Our staff is comprised of the most insane, twisted people you could possibly imagine. A lot of them have been working in the gross-out business for a while, so they’ve literally seen it all. I asked them to take everything they’ve ever done to gross people out, throw that all away, and then take it up a notch. And then throw all THAT out, and take it up another notch. And so on.

LZ: You say in the press materials that “people will totally not believe their eyes” and that “despite the total insanity of what we show on GROSS-OUT GAUNTLET, it is all 100% real, with no tricky editing or camera tricks.”

RJB: Yeah, because when we first showed it to test audiences — well, let me stop right there. All our test audiences couldn’t stop throwing up. After a while we started having to hold the focus groups in an empty swimming pool because there was so much puking. But afterwards, nearly all of them asked how we made it look like the contestants were doing what they were doing. Because it just seemed completely impossible.

LZ: But it’s all real.

RJB: Totally real. We didn’t fake anything. Everything that you see on your TV screen actually happened.

LZ: How have the contestants reacted to the “gauntlet?”

RJB: Well, mostly they’ve been throwing up all over the place. We have a special doctor on hand to make sure that no one’s health is in danger due to all of the puking. And it’s not just the contestants — the crew is throwing up the whole time as well. One time we had something so crazy that the cameraman had to throw up so bad we had to stop the show. He came back like ten minutes later saying, “Man, I just threw up.” It was nuts. But yeah, the contestants run the gamut from squeamish to fearless, but nobody doesn’t throw up. One guy got so grossed out that he asked if he could sit down for few minutes. He didn’t end up winning, I’ll tell you that!

LZ: Is everything you do to gross people out completely legal?

RJB: Yes, we have a team of lawyers on hand at all times to make sure that everything’s on the up and up. But having said that, we get as close to the line as we possibly can. And half the time the lawyers have to throw up so bad that they’re not paying attention, so we try to sneak stuff in!

LZ: So even the lawyers are throwing up?

RJB: Yeah, it’s hilarious. My daughter calls them the ROFLawyers, because they’re so funny to watch when they get all nauseous. Sometimes you’ll see shots of them or crewmembers getting sick because it’s just as entertaining as the actual contestants.

LZ: What about you? As the host, do you have to hold it together, puke-wise?

RJB: I try to remain professional at all times, but our show is so outrageous… I mean, to be honest, I’ve had to re-evaluate my life a little bit since we started doing GROSS-OUT GAUNTLET. I’ve made a living for a long time making people laugh. Now, suddenly, my job is to gross people out so much that they can’t help but totally lose their minds — and their lunches! It’s been a transition.

LZ: What has the network reaction been?

RJB: They’ve been very supportive. There was some concern about sponsors pulling out of the show, but I think the entertainment value is high enough that both the network and advertisers will overlook the sheer disgustingness of what we’re doing. Some church groups have protested as well, but that’s par for the course. Or as my daughter likes to say: “That’s LOLbiz!”

LZ: So just what happens in the GROSS-OUT GAUNTLET?

RJB: Well our contestants line up in a row beside a large table. They’re wearing specially padded jumpsuits made of latex. On the table we have a blender — which my daughter named “The BRBlender,” because people always have to “be right back” when they see it because of the grossness — and a variety of totally disgusting food products such as ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, raisins, peanut butter, hot sauce, honey-mustard, chunks of hot dog, cheese whiz, pickle juice, whole milk, sardines, pickled herring, another kind of hot sauce, cranberry juice, baked beans, canned peas, canned green beans, creamed corn, cream, ice cream, cream soda, orange soda, apple sauce, beets, dijon mustard, grape jelly, horseradish sauce, and soy sauce.

LZ: Oh my god. What then?

RJB: Then we put as many of these ingredients as we can fit into the blender, turn on the blender, and voila!

LZ: You’re kidding.

RJB: And then we make the contestants drink it.

LZ: WHAT?

RJB: And whoever can drink the most wins.

LZ: [throws up]

RJB: I told you!

LZ: Thank you for your time, Robbie-James, and good luck with the show!

One Last Submission To The Talented Editors At Mad Magazine For Movie Spoof Titles

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 14:52:00 -0400

- The Anti-Social Nutjob (The Social Network)

- Whaaa? Street: The Audience Always Sleeps (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps)

- It’s Kind Of A Crummy Movie (It’s Kind Of A Funny Story)

A Special Report From The Oconto County International Film and Motion Picture Movie Festival in Little Suamico, Wisconsin from our In-House "Art-House" Critic Dedston Domenico

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 16:19:50 -0400

The site of the “fest,” moments before the grand opening unveiling

A little touch of Tinseltown glamour brightened the streets of the “Little Bolivia” section of Little Suamico this past weekend as the (94th Annual!) OCIFMPMF kicked into high gear. One of the most anticipated events of the year, the “fest” is an opportunity for Ocontoans from all around the region to show the world their stuff, from the many local food vendors to the aboriginal street musicians to the girls from Miss Heavenly’s Academy for Exotic Dancers to the many fine and talented filmmakers who make this their home.

Mayor Gary M. Garym himself presided over the ceremonial “cutting of the projector,” along with the late Darren McGavin (Kolchak: The Night Stalker) and Entourage star Debi Mazar. Opening night’s “Crowned Polished Hat of Excellence Covered In Gilt Goldleaf D’Pommes” selection was Oh, How Green Was Your Rooster (about which below), and director Peter Bogdonovich introduced his work with a short speech and several handstands.

And thus began the fest! I saw upwards of a thousand movies over the weekend, so I couldn’t possibly review them all here, but I wanted to spray some attention all over a few of the more notable features, both good, bad, and extremely ok.

I’d also like to take a moment to thank the good people of Little Suamico and the greater Oconto County area: Thanks, troop, and see ya at next year’s oat fry!

The Minstrel of Saturn: Directed by Edie Brickell; starring Ol’ Poppy Eubanks, Sheryl Lee, the Muppets

This quiet, sad little movie follows the adventures of a former clown and prizefighter as he traverses the blighted urban areas of Cleveland, Ohio, saving children with laughter and boxing. The script is both zippy AND peppy, and a subtly obtrusive score is provided by The Knack. The uplifting climax (wherein the punchdrunk clown’s dementia is finally relieved) is reminiscent of Truffaut, Renoir, and Lamaze.

Many Miles to Rogersville: Directed by David Clayton-Thomas; starring Hope Davis, Kathy Bates, Edwin “Eddie” Meese

In his nineteenth feature, “DCT” examines the toll taken by a labor dispute in Rogersville, TN. A ruthless group of Native American (Indian) terrorists have kidnapped the daughter of a wealthy magnet magnate, Rex Magnette, and it’s up to the steelworkers’ union to raise the ransom. A quietly stunning, edge-of-your-seat meditation on life, family, and weight loss.

How Cheese Is Made: Directed by Florence Tabbermouth

A documentary about how they make cheese. Overlong at 230 minutes, it nonetheless features strong, crisp narration from Hugh Laurie and a stunning soundtrack courtesy of Pantera’s Philip H. Anselmo.

Taut: Directed by Glenn Schwartz; Starring Melissa Joan Hart, Mark Linn-Baker, Terence Trent Darby

A taut thriller about Gerry Taut, a stout, loutish trout-fisherman suffering from gout while living in Terre Haute, where he scouts mail routes and counts outhouses for a dowdy kraut named Count Blaute, known to flaunt his clout. Mesmerizing.

Call Me Gail: The Gail Richards Story: Directed by Gail Richards; Starring Gail Pelth-Richards, Mindy Richards, Kenny Pelth

As everyone knows, Gail Richards is the woman who claimed to have invented the answering machine in 1993 and sued several major corporations before taking a major league softball team majorly hostage in the famous Clauding Day Incident of that year. This, then, is her story, told mostly through sloppily animated flashbacks and “talking head” interviews with her family members, who tend to wear pro-Gail t-shirts (“Gail was Right!”, ”Gail Rules!”, “Gail Is My Mom!”, etc.). A sparkling credits sequence comes courtesy of Gail’s friend Sherry Lindstrom (who also produced).

Where Your Meat Comes From: Directed by Layla Dennis

A documentary about where the meat we eat comes from. Feels a little “undercooked” at 23 minutes, but it is well-narrated by Alan Cummings and features a thought-provoking score courtesy of Debi Mazar.

Embarrassing Bing Dunting: Directed by Bryan Ferry; Starring Karen Black, Ray Liotta, the Muppets

Bing Dunting (Garry Shandling) has a problem. Specifically, he has a drinking problem, and much of the movie follows Bing’s disastrous (drunk) attempts to win back his estranged wife Inga (Debra Messing), who died in a bear accident years earlier. Undeterred, Bing travels to Mexico where he believes she’s hiding, and discovers a daughter he never knew he had (Dakota Fanning)! But is this family reunion just a drunk delusion? Probably. Anyway, a heartwarmingly disorienting romp.

A Pencil for Ruttiger: Directed by Bobby Slayton; Starring George Segal, Beanie Sigel, Steven Seagal

Young Ruttiger Nelba is trapped in his own mind, having been the victim of an experimental sonic weapon when he was a young infant living alone on a military base. Without the use of his arms, legs, eyebrows, collarbone, or larynx, he is forced to communicate with the world using a piece of chalk and a blackberry. That is until a mysterious stranger named “J. Esus” meets him at a Jackson Browne concert. The movie combines moody atmospherics with pinpoint period detail (it takes place in mid-2009). Will Smith shines as a forlorn Chinaman.

Where Did My Baby Go? Oh, There It Is: Directed by Penny Marshall

A documentary about women who lose their babies and then find them a few moments later. Clocking in at exactly 92 minutes, this charming film is the perfect length, but is somewhat marred by Brad Garrett’s heavy-handed narration.

(Approximately) 50 First Dates: A Number of Fun Ideas For The Inexperienced Dater Who Is About To Go On A Date With Someone For The First Time and Has No Idea What To Do

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 12:32:14 -0400

Dating can be hard. How hard? Imagine trying to do a math problem. Ok, now multiply that by a hundred to the 48th power divided by -87.9. Hard enough for ya? We thought so!

The only thing harder than dating (or math) is FIRST-dating. They say it’s never too late to make a first impression, so you gotta make it count, and fast! Here are some sexy, romantic, adventurous ideas to make YOUR first date the first date of many dates to come!

50.) Make your own scavenger hunt! Instead of showing up to the place you’re supposed to meet, leave an envelope with a cryptic clue inside which will lead your date to another location where he or she will find another mysterious envelope! Have him or her go all over town following these crazy, curious directions until they eventually bring the person to your house or apartment where you are lying in wait. If they’re clever enough, that is!

49.) Pretend to be undercover cops! Go out and try to buy some narcotics (any kind, but be sure to buy a lot) on the street! Once the transaction has been made, pull out fake badges and “bust” the dealers!

48.) Take a tour of a local hospital!

47.) Before the date, drive your car until it’s just about out of gas. Pick up your date and take him or her out onto an interstate and drive until completely out of gas. As we all know from a million movies and TV episodes, such “stranded” situations are ideal for sparking romance! Add in a snow blizzard and get ready to snuggle!

46.) Smoking contest! See who can smoke the most cigarettes in the least amount of time! No cheating!

45.) The Jetsetter Special! Take your date to the airport for dinner! In addition to the many fine restaurants on offer in America’s major airports, the sound of arriving and departing aircraft lend an air of drama and excitement to your dining experience!

44.) Take a tour of a local rendering plant! Smells like romance!

43.) Who’s Taller? Bring a tape measure and find out each of your heights (in inches or whatever)! Whoever’s shorter pays for dinner!

42.) “Liveblog” your date! If you have a Blueberry or applejackphone or whatever, make constant updates via blog or twitterblog so you and your date can later re-live every moment on the worldwide web! Spelling counts! Just kiding!

41.) Get “married!” If you live in, near, or within two flights of Las Vegas, that charming city offers many establishments for fake “marriages” where you can have your own little wedding in a little chapel with an actual priest-like person, all without the hassle of getting to know one another or family members! Most likely, these marriages are not legally binding, but they certainly are a hoot!

40.) Attend a Klan meeting just to see what goes on at those crazy things! Nobody will know you and your date aren’t actual racists because they all wear those cool outfits that hide their (and your!) faces! (not recommended if you or your date is non-white, though that could be interesting too.)

39.) Go to “Hollywood!” A great way to get a night of entertainment at absolutely no charge is to visit your local videotape rental store (Hollywood or Blockbuster work best), because they often play movies on wall-mounted TV screens! Snacks and sodas are usually available on site, so grab some refreshments, stand there, and enjoy the show!

38.) Meet the parents! Just like in the hit movie, a sure path to laughter and heartwarming warmth is a visit to ol’ Mom ‘n’ Pop! Take your date to visit your parents and let the funny-sparks fly!

37.) James Bond movie marathon!

36.) Go to a seance! Find out if your date has any dead relatives and try to contact them via a medium—just like they do on TV!

35.) Wacky slumber party! Find the nuttiest place you can (under a bridge, subway station, sewer grate outside a liquor store, dump, etc.), and go to sleep there!

34.) Go used car shopping!

33.) Pretend to be vampires! What with all the new dracula (vlad the dracu) movies coming out, vampires are bigger than ever! All you need is some makeup (to give yourselves that sexy bloodsuckers’ pallor), fake fangs, and two black capes that are red on the inside. You’ll be all set to run around town biting people! Then hop in a coffin and watch the sparks fly! If you already happen to be a vampire, you can pretend to be Asian!

32.) Take country line-dancing lessons at your local prison!

31.) Attend a city council meeting! If there isn’t a meeting on the night of your date, postpone it until there is one!

30.) Have a gum-chewing contest! See who can chew the same piece of gum for the longest!

29.) Surf’s up! Most libraries have computers with internet access! You and your date can “surf the ‘net” for free all night or until the library closes!

28.) Attend an AA meeting just to see what goes on at those crazy things! Nobody will know you and your date aren’t actual alcoholics because most of the other attendees will likely be too drunk to realize anything! (not recommended if you or your date is non-white.)

27.) Impression-off! Everybody loves celebrity impersonations! Challenge your date to see who can do the better impression of such famed famous celebrities as Jack Nicholson, Nathan Lane, Sarah Jessica Parker, Danny Trejo, Lindy Infante, Madeleine Stowe, Ted Turner, Mario Van Peebles, Rex Reed, Phil Donahue, Ted Baxter, Jason Mraz, Paula Poundstone, Cal Ripken, Sr., Thurgood Marshall, Lance Henriksen, Patrick Warburton, Terry Bradshaw, or Ronald Reagan!

26.) Visit a local “puppy mill!”

25.) Make your own clothes! At the beginning of your evening, take off all your clothing and throw it in a dumpster! Then you and your date can spend the rest of the night piecing together new outfits out of items you find in the street! Is that a pizza box? Score!

24.) Pretend to shoplift! Go to your favorite boutique or department store and wander around, stuffing as many things in your pants and jackets as you can! After you’ve slyly made it out the door, having paid for nothing, either throw all the stuff back into the store, or leave it in a neat pile right outside!

23.) Try boxing each other! No boxing ring required—just do it on the street! And if you don’t have boxing gloves, simply wrap your hands in paper towels or cellophane and start jabbin’, bobbin’, & weavin’! And jabbin’!

22.) Go on an old-fashioned whaling expedition!

21.) Visit Jim Morrison’s grave!

20.) Go on a tour of the local post office!

19.) Give each other wacky haircuts!

18.) Go to a KISS concert! If there isn’t a KISS concert on the night you have planned, postpone the date until they come back to town!

17.) Play truth or dare! This is a great way to get to know your date and find out what he or she is willing to do just because you asked (dared) him/her to!

16.) Make your own cotton candy! Why go to Coney Island when all you need is some sugar, cotton, wrapping paper, glue, amyl nitrate, candy, fresh milk, and a gas-powered generator!

10.) Break into a museum!

14.) Analyze each other’s dreams! Find a cozy place (your car, an empty tavern, a sewer grate outside of a liquor store) and take turns going to sleep. When you wake up, tell each other your dreams and see if you can figure out what they mean!

13.) Take a tour of a local police station!

12.) Have a fun-filled moving day! If you’re not moving to a new house when your date is scheduled, postpone until the next time you move!

11.) Pretend to have silly accents! At the start of the evening, you and your date each pick a hilarious accent you’ll use for the rest of the night (Mexican and “Surfer dude” are the funniest)!

10.) The History Channel!

9.) Watch a total lunar eclipse! If there isn’t a lunar eclipse on the night you have scheduled, you can fool your date with a piece of black construction paper! Otherwise, postpone.

8.) See how many raccoons you and your date can capture! If you want to spice it up, make it a contest to see who can capture more raccoons!

7.) Count to a million together!

6.) Make it a “double-date!” Bring along two life-size dummies, one male and one female, and tell your date they are friends of yours who wanted to tag along! Don’t forget to order them food and drinks!

5.) Steal a horse-driven carriage!

4.) Painting party! Paint a stranger’s house a new and wacky color. Periwinkle? Why not!

3.) Pissing contest! (warning: could lead to kissing contest!)

2.) Take your date to a local museum, decide between the two of you your least favorite painting, then slash it with a knife and get ready to run!

1.) The choking game! Strangle one another until you almost pass out, but not quite. In no time your date will literally be putty in your hands!

Tune in next week for our feature on Great Places to Propose Marriage! (Hint: most of them are in outer space!)

Great Ideas For Your Very Own "Fuck Yeah" Tumblrog (Tumblr Blog)

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 16:52:19 -0400

Do you know about the Fuck Yeahs? No, it’s not a hot new band from Lexington, Kentucky! No, what it is (what they are) is (are) a new type of blog that came out a few years ago where you name your thing “Fuck Yeah ____” but instead of a blank you have a word or words and all you do is put up pictures of whatever thing that word or those words mean(s). For instance, you could have a blog called fuckyeahaudreyhepburn.tumblr.com and you would just post various pictures of Audrey Hepburn that you found on the internet, without any comment or explanation. And any picture will do, as long as it’s of Audrey Hepburn.

Except here’s the problem with that: you CAN’T do that because fuckyeahaudreyhepburn.tumblr.com already exists. That’s where we come in. Below you’ll find a terrific list of fuck yeahs that have so far not been claimed. Pick any one, start up your own tumblr account (it’s easy and relatively inexpensive!) and you’re off to the fuck yeah races!

AND NOW A LIST OF FUCK YEAHS YOU COULD USE TO START YOUR VERY OWN FUCK YEAH BLOG

- Fuck Yeah Jenny Craig

- Fuck Yeah R2-D2

- Fuck Yeah Greta Van Susteren

- Fuck Yeah Bronson Pinchot

- Fuck Yeah Jimmie Dale Gilmore

- Fuck Yeah Dean Rusk

- Fuck Yeah The Guy Who Played Eddie in Eddie & The Cruisers

- Fuck Yeah Gordon Lightfoot

- Fuck Yeah Paul Prudhomme

- Fuck Yeah Dauber From “Coach”

- Fuck Yeah The Bass Player From The Spin Doctors

- Fuck Yeah Philip Michael Vincent (pictures of Philip Michael Thomas and/or Jan Michael Vincent)

- Fuck Yeah Shadoe Stevens But Not On Hollywood Squares

- Fuck Yeah Morris Day

- Fuck Yeah Dorf on Golf

- Fuck Yeah Tim Conway’s Other Roles in Film and Television

- Fuck Yeah Rich Hall of Sniglets Fame

- Fuck Yeah Murray Head

- Fuck Yeah Roger Clinton

- Fuck Yeah The Electric Grandmother

- Fuck Yeah Pound Puppies

- Fuck Yeah People Telling You How Great The Celestine Prophecy Was

- Fuck Yeah Neils Bohr

- Fuck Yeah Celebrities Singing The Star Spangled Banner At Sporting Events

- Fuck Yeah Ferrante and Teicher

- Fuck Yeah Edwin Meese

- Fuck Yeah Eli Whitney

- Fuck Yeah Robert Bly

- Fuck Yeah Sgt. Slaughter

- Fuck Yeah Cap’n Crunch

- Fuck Yeah General Mills

- Fuck Yeah Ray Manzarek

- Fuck Yeah Chad Smith

- Fuck Yeah St. Francis of Assisi

- Fuck Yeah Charles Van Doren

- Fuck Yeah Madeleine Albright

- Fuck Yeah The Cast of Barney Miller

- Fuck Yeah Ben Vereen

- Fuck Yeah Don Ameche

- Fuck Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeahs

- Fuck Yeah Yaz

Now get bloggin’!

Moments In Space-Filling Journalism: This Is An Actual "Article" From Today's Metro Newspaper, Not Written or Amended or Abridged By Any Member of the 'Ffzone Staff

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 11:05:00 -0400

The occasion for this confounding bit of commentary(?) was, of course, “Michael Jackson’s Death: one year later.” We’ve learned a lot since then, haven’t we?

In any event, I submit that every single sentence here is a solid-gold classic example of ‘Ffzone-esque anti-writing. Enjoy!

Michael Jackson. Perhaps the two most recognizable words in the entire English language. He died one year ago to the day. It will take many more before we can fully appreciate the loss.

Jackson was an undisputed musical genius. What is notoriously up for debate, however, is the man’s humanity: Was he really all “Heal the World,” or was he more “Smooth Criminal”? “With a Child’s Heart” or “Bad”? “The Girl is Mine” or “In the Closet”?

These days it doesn’t seem to really matter anymore — if it ever even did. Michael Jackson is, and will forever continue to be, dead. All we’ve got left are the tabloids and the music. In time, the tabloids will fade. But the music will outlive us all.

In the meantime, we’ve got the tabloids.

Also, here’s a link to the article in case you don’t believe this thing actually exists.

Legendary Movie Producer (And Even Legendarier Philanderer!) Dobbie Gentles Spills Tales Of Movie Magic Madness, Mayhem, and Magic!

Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:05:00 -0400

“You oughta star in the movies!”: Dobbie Gentles today

I was just a kid from the sticks when I landed plum in the middle of Hollywood in 1959. I stepped off that train or boat with just three simple goals: break into the movie business, make a million dollars, and get to first base with as many dames as I could.

FADE OUT. FADE IN ON:

I got my first job in Hollywood working as a hat pin checker at the Blonde Goose, the hottest restaurant in town at the time. Movie stars would flock there every single night like the proverbial rabbit logs down the Red Binge canal. It was the place to see, be seen, be have saw, sawn, and sern.

All the hottest movie biz players would check their coats with the coat checker (a young Robert Wagner), their hats with the hat checker (an old Tallulah Bankhead), and their hat pins with me. It was hard work, and the pay was low ($.09 a night, which wasn’t a lot of money back then), but the benefits were glorious, as I would soon find out.

FADE OUT: CUT TO INTERIOR:

It’s my second night on the job, and who comes floating in but Miss Doris Day. She wafts up to me with a sultry smile and a handful of hat pins.

“Boy, see to it you don’t prick yourself,” Miss Day warbles.

“Yes, ma’am,” I reply with my voice.

Before I knew it, we were getting to first base.

DISSOLVE TO:

It’s my 48th night on the job, and I’m getting antsy. Nobody comes to Hollywood to hand out hat pins, and I’m starting to feel like the proverbial toe-headed stepchild at a French hooker’s baptism.

Just then, who walks in but Mr. Spyros Skouras.

Old “Spyros Skouras,” they used to call him, because that was his name and nobody could think of anything else. He was Head of 20th Century Fox or some other studio, famous for his medium build, reasonable attitude, brown hair, and freckles. I’d heard through the grapeline that he was having trouble with his latest picture.

“Take your hat pins, Mr. Skouras?” I say.

He liked that.

“Hey, kid,” he says in his heavy American accent, “This new picture we’re shooting, The Night They Tangoed All Night, you heard of it?”

“No, sir,” I say, cannily.

“It’s $5 million over budget, the leading man is a drunk, the leading lady is Canadian, and the director has been dead for 16 years. This picture’s goin’ down the toilet. What do I do?”

I think for a moment and say, very slowly, “I have no idea, sir.”

“Kid, I like your hjundertergen! [his word for “moxie”] How’d you like to come work for me?”

The word “yes” came out of my mouth faster than a rainbowfin salmon out of a box of Cheerios at Christmas.

FLASH CUT TO: FADE IN: FADE OUT: CUT TO:

It’s January, 1962. The Summer of Love they called it. Beatniks are all the rage. Mankind has just landed on the moon. Glenn Miller’s tearing up the airwaves. The Steelers win the World Cup in a dead heat, beating out Maine for the pennant. Me? I’m assistant vice under-head of production at Paramount Studios.

WIPE CUT TO:

I’m on the set of Tarry With Me, Terry Wythmie. Steve McQueen is blowing his top. The Beach Boys haven’t shown up—they’re 98 hours late and word has it one or more might be dead. Debra Winger is a seven-year-old girl playing hopscotch in Los Mayos, Texas. The whole production’s getting down to the wire and I haven’t gotten to first base all day.

REWIND. PAUSE. FAST-FORWARD. FREEZE CUT TO:

Nevermind. It’s 1966, I’m finally back from Vegas where Rod Steiger’s trial has just ended. The jury acquitted him—they couldn’t prove he rode that elephant. I’m in Charlie Bludhorn’s office, and he’s madder than a jetskier at an all-you-can-eat brunch buffet.

He’s holding up a picture of Candy Bergen. I’m getting crazy flashes just thinking about first base.

“She’ll never work in this town again!”

Charlie’s yelling, making his voice achieve a higher volume than if he were merely speaking. It was a trick he’d trademarked in Hollywood. Powerplayin, they called it.

“But Mr. Bludhorn,” I say, in my calmest tone, “she had 9 hit pictures last week!”

Just then, who should walk into Charlie’s office but a young Robert Davi. Behind him walks in an old Van Johnson, a middle-aged Burl Ives, and an even younger Robert Davi.

Before Charlie can say “Get the hell out of my office!!” I pull out a bottle of seltzer. I’ve been saving it for a moment like this. Van, Burl, and both Robert Davis give me this look. Then Charlie starts to smile.

And that’s how The Hottest Guns In Milwaukee came together.

FREEZE FRAME: CUT TO: SPINNING NEWSPAPER: FADE TO BLACK: FADE TO WHITE:

JUMP-KICK FREEZE CUT TO:

It’s 1970. I’m on the set of First Base, American Style. I’m getting to first base with my leading actress, Tina Louise. We got married in Acupulco, divorced in Cancun, and married again in the Sudentenland (which is what the fashionable set called Puerto Vallarta at the time). Recently divorced, we’re talking about the script, between heavy breathing and passionate eye-fluttering (and first-basing).

“I think it’s too long,” I say.

“I think it’s too short,” Tina says.

“Let’s compromise,” I say.

“Ok,” she says.

And that’s how we decided to leave the script exactly the way it had been originally written by Noel Coward. And that’s why the movie is the length that it is today. But it wasn’t the last time I got to first base with, or got married to old Tina (Louise).

SMASH CUT TO: FADE TO DISSOLVE: INSERT:

I’m at the 1972 Academy Awards. Bob Hope and Frederic March are co-hosting. I’m backstage after having just presented the Best Actress award to Valerie Perrine for The Naked And The Nude. Just as we’re getting to first base, who should come out of the freight elevator but Ned Beatty. He looks crazier than the proverbial organ grinder in a henhouse full of flapjacks and is gripping a throwing star in one hand.

“What’s up, Ned?” I ask slowly and calmly, in all innocence.

“Don’t give me that, Gentles!” Ned used to call me “Gentles” because that was my last name at the time (still is, too, if you want to know).

Before I can hit him harder than the proverbial Florida June bug at a Skinny Puppy concert, he wallops me right between the sideburns (the throwing star was just a piece of origami). Valerie screams like a coonskin cap falling off a lantern factory and within 8 seconds all of Hollywood is rushing backstage to see what all the fuss is about.

And there’s ol’ Irving Thalberg (so-called because of his first and last names), veins bulging out of his neck like a furnace hotter than a bat-winged dinosaur with horns longer than a dirt farmer’s eulogy at the funeral of a Malaysian banjo dealer with overalls dirtier than a twelve-gauge hairdryer on a two-dollar oat fry diet.

“What is the meaning of this, Dobbie Gentles!?!?” Irving steams.

“Honestly, I’m not sure, sir.”

Well, that did it. Everybody starts laughing and before you know it, we’re all back at the Blonde Goose for last call. And that’s how Margot Kidder got excommunicated from the Catholic Church.

And that’s just the beginning!

FADE OUT: TITLE: TO BE CONTINUED: FADE IN ON:

And that’s really all there is to tell!