Reel Movies with Lance Henriksen: Lance Reviews “Jonah Hex,” Part 1
Hey gang, it’s me.
Lance Henriksen.
A lot of you people out there are probably thinkin’ right now, “Hey, that’s Lance Henriksen. I’ve seen him in a whole mess of great movies like The Da Vinci Treasure and The Terminator and Sasquatch Mountain and The Right Stuff and Pirates of Treasure Island and damn knows how many more. What’s he doin’ makin’ up movie reviews?” Well, I gotta tell ya, if I’m not appearin’ in movies?
I’m watchin’ ‘em.
And if I’m not appearin’ in or watchin’ ‘em? Well, it just makes sense I’d be reviewin’ ‘em.
It just makes sense. Take it from me, Lance Henriksen.
Let me tell you a little story of mine that I know. I’ve got a lot of friends and acquaintances. Lot of my friends? Well, a lot of ‘em are movie stars. Take for instance my good pal James. James and I go way back and he’s been in almost as many damn movies as I have, and I’m Lance Damn Henriksen, man. But James has been in stuff like Blood Money and Hijacked: Flight 285 and Capricorn One and Intimate Encounters and Night of the Juggler and —- oh, what’s that? Yeah.
I’m talkin’ Mr. James Brolin. Guess you heard of him. Figured you might’ve.
So anyway, the other night I’m out on my back porch sawin’ some wood when the damn phone goes off. I pick it up and this voice comes over the line, sayin’, “Is Lance there?”
“This is Lance,” I said.
“Lance,” the voice said. “This is James Brolin.”
Well, I’ll be damned.
So James starts tellin’ me about how there’s this new movie out and his kid is starring in it. It’s called Jonah Hex, he’s tellin’ me. Never heard of it, or the kid neither, but I don’t say that to James. So then he’s askin’ me if I want to go see this movie his kid’s in, and my reaction is immediate. I say, “James, man, we go way back. Course I’ll go see your kid’s movie with you. Let’s make this happen.”
So that’s how it ended up bein’ that I went to see Jonah Hex with Mr. James Brolin.
Now, around these parts you got yourself two options when it comes to seein’ movies. You got the Carmichael 10 over in Gulfdale, and you got the Cinewonder 7 up the road in Cottontown. Makes no difference to me, man: they’re both great places to catch a movie. Plus I like taking a nice long drive in my truck, windows down, really flyin’. Best is when my dog Grouch can come with me, but they don’t allow dogs in theaters these days. Nope, not even Grouch. That’s a shame is what that is.
A damn shame.
But going back to it, I still had to choose one of them cinemas. Hell, I figure I’ll go see three more movies this week, so I can even the score later on. I ain’t playin’ favorites. No, tonight it was all about timing. So what happened then is I go out to the front porch and grab the paper.
I open it up.
Find that ol’ movie page.
Showtimes.
Yessir.
I see that this Hex movie starts at 7:10 in Gulfdale and 7:45 in Cottontown. Well, that’s when I knew how it was gonna go down.
Tonight?
Tonight I’m goin’ to Cottontown.
So next thing I do is call up my old pal, Mr. James Brolin. I dial the phone, and it starts to ring on the other end. It rings maybe three, maybe four times. This voice says, “Hello?”
“This is Lance Henriksen. Is James Brolin there?”
“Hey, Lance, this is James.”
Well, all right.
“James,” I say. “If it’s all the same to you, I suggest we go see your kid’s movie up in Cottontown. 7:45.”
“Fine by me,” says James Brolin.
“Fine by me too, man. Fine by me.”
Ain’t a couple hours later and damned if I ain’t sittin’ in a movie theater with a damn good friend of mine. I think you know who I’m talkin’ about. Yeah, that’s right. You got it now.
Mr. James Brolin.
At one point? At one point James leans over to me and says, right in my ear like, “Lance, man, I love movies but my favorite part? My favorite part of going to the movies is the previews.”
And I just look at him and I say, “Know what, man? You took the damn words right out of my mouth.”
Previews looked pretty good, man. There was one about a ship at sea and one about some guy in a mask and another about a whole bunch of animals all gettin’ along with each other and the last one was about the damn sun.
I’ll see all those movies, man. I just love movies.
Right then the whole room got reeeeaaal dark. I’ve been to enough movies to know what that means: that means the movie’s startin’.
Showtime.
Come back next month for the exciting conclusion to Lance’s review of JONAH HEX!!!
