ATTN Cineastes!!: It’s Faizal Merguth’s Second Annual Pre-Summer Summer Movie Roundup and Expo!
Well, it’s that time of year again, my fellow flick-buffs! What time of year is that, you ask? No, not Christmas! Not midterm elections, either! Clauding Day? Good guess, but no. Here’s a hint: take a look outside, ya bozos!
That’s right, it’s SUMMER. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned as a species over untold millennia, it’s that summer means one thing and one thing only: the movies!
And not just any movies! No, sire. Traditionally, Hollywood (where the movies come from) waits until summertime to roll out its best and brightest movies, and this summer is no exception! But the exception proves the rule, as they say, so let’s get right to it — because this summer will indeed “rule!”
IRON MAN 2: IRON HARDER
By now, surely many of you have seen this eye-popping sequel to last year’s mega-hit Iron Man, but I haven’t seen it yet so it gets prized position on this year’s “sneek-peak” list.”
Speaking of peaks, is it just me or is Robert Downey, Jr. reaching new heights of acting prowess with such movies as this one and Sherlock Holmes and that movie about French skydivers? If it is just me, I’ll have some of whatever I’m smoking because he (meaning Robert Downey, Jr.) is sensational!
The rest of the cast doesn’t fare quite as well this time around (according to Wikipedia.org). Gwyneth Paltrow forgets about half her lines and Jeff Bridges manages only a brief cameo as “Tron.” Cuba Gooding, Jr. replaces a departing Don Cheadle (who himself replaced a departing Gerard Depardieu in The Departed), and brings his usual charm, but looks silly in his “Party Machine” costume. Also, with two “juniors” in the cast, wouldn’t it be a hoot if Robert Downey and Cuba Gooding SENIOR made guest appearances? Just a thought, Hollywood — that one’s for free!
In conclusion, Iron Man 2 looks great and I can’t wait to catch it on DVD or maybe “the boob tube.”
PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF PERSIA
Movies based on video games can be good — even great — but they’re almost never as good as the originals (unlike books). Just look at the Pac-Man movies or Tron (which was actually a movie first THEN a videogame, but you get the idea) or Caddyshack.
However, POP:TSOP looks like it might not only be better than the game that inspired it (Tron) but better than all previous movies combined. The movie stars Jake Gyllenhall as “Maggie,” Topher Grace as “Baron Burnmoon,” and a cast of thousands as “Diseased Peasantry,” and it all takes place in the fabulous country of Persia, famous for its beautiful women, fancy-pants bridges, and plentiful coconut ice cream.
First-time director Stone Gossard says his film “will open up the lines of communication between present-day America and fourth-century Persia, healing societal wounds and ushering in a golden age of harmony between these two great cultures.”
ROBIN HOOD
I think this movie already came out too, but chances are you haven’t seen it. How do I know that? Below is an itemized list.
1.) Robin Hood movies are never good.
2.) If you wanted to see a Robin Hood movie you’d probably just go ahead and watch the Disney version because in that version he’s a fox and foxes are hot right now thanks to The Talented Fox-Man and the very popular news channel.
3.) Even if the Disney version is “in the vault,” you would STILL do whatever it took to watch that version rather than this one because who could imagine anything dumber than watching Russell Crowe try to be a fox in a green feather-hat?
4.) And even if you remember something that might be dumber than watching Russell Crowe try to be a fox in a green feather-hat (which of course would be watching Kevin Costner try to be a fox in a green feather-hat), it would just go to prove your point that Robin Hood movies are never good because jesus was that Kevin Costner movie dumb.
5.) I don’t even think Robin Hood (Russell Crowe) shoot arrows in this one. Remember that version of King Arthur where there wasn’t even Merlin or anything cool? This is like that (no fun) but worse because even without Merlin, King Arthur is better than Robin Hood.
6.) Margot Kidder plays Maid Marian. I mean, huh?
SEX AND THE CITY 2
I haven’t seen the first one yet (it’s sitting in my Netflix queue, and I still have 9 seasons of the show to watch), but I assume it was pretty good. Apparently, in this sequel Janelle gets married to “The Buns,” Tenille makes out with a fireman moments before he falls to his fiery death, Svetlina makes a resolution to have sex at least nine times a day, and Goneril moves to Fort Worth, breaking up the gang once and for all. Or does she?
THE A-TEAM
When TIME magazine (not the famous one, this one’s about clocks) did a survey last year of America’s favorite letter of the alphabet, the letter ‘A’ came in 9th place (after C, R, G, T, E, L, X, and F). Will this hurt this movie’s chances of becoming a blockbusting hit sensation at the box office? Probably, but Miramax Studio is hoping for the best.
While the original A-Team starred the legendary cast of Lee Marvin, Ernest Borgnine, Donald Sutherland, Telly Savalas, Trini Lopez, Charles Bronson, and (of course) Jim Brown, this remake stars Liam Neeson as “Hannibal Lechter” and somebody called Rampage as “Mr. T.” (short for “Mr. Tron”). Nevertheless, the letter ‘T’ came in fifth place in TIME’s survey, which may improve the movie’s odds considerably.
MARMADUKE
Is any comic strip in the whole history of comic strips more beloved than “Marmaduke?” Well, yes, pretty much all of them are more beloved. But “unbeloved” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad movie.” For instance, Gone With The Wind was named “The Most Hated Book in America” the year before the movie version came out, and that movie went on to become one of the most acclaimed racist films in all of filmdom.
Also, Marmaduke has several intriguing elements. For one thing, according to the trailers, these aren’t regular cats and dogs in this movie: they can TALK. Furthermore, the main dog (whose name is Marmaduke, presumably named after the famous cartoon dog) seems to spend much of the movie frustrating humans, causing them to exclaim his name (“Marmaduke,” like the dog) from time to time. I’m not saying this is a good or bad thing, I’m just saying it’s INTERESTING.
Those are the big ones, but here are some honorable mentionables:
G.I. JOE 2: G.I. JANE: Demi Moore returns as Jane Hasbro in this toy-inspired sequel
KARATE KID: Will Smith’s adorable kid learns Kung-Fu from Jackie Chan so I don’t know why it’s not called THE KUNG-FU KID
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3 II: Walter Matthau returns as crusty sportscaster Oscar Pelham who thwarts a robbery with his rudeness
MARMADUKE VS. GARFIELD: Bill Murray and Owen Wilson reunite!
TRON, TOO: ?????????
