Reel Movies With Lance: My Review of THE WOLFMAN by Lance Henriksen
Hey everybody, it’s me, Lance Henriksen. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’. “Lance Henriksen? Shouldn’t he be appearing in such movies as The Da Vinci Treasure, or The Terminator, or Sasquatch Mountain, or The Right Stuff, or Pirates of Treasure Island? Why is he reviewin’ movies?”
What can I say? I love the movies, man. It’s all part of me bein’ me, who I am: Lance Henriksen.
So the other day I was drivin’ my truck around on my huge ranch in Montana, right? And I’m drivin’ around with my dog, Grouch. And I’m lookin’ at Grouch and I’m thinkin’ “Damn, if that dog don’t look like a wolf.” And that reminded me how there’s a new wolfman movie out.
Look, man, I love wolfman movies. Love ‘em. Seen ‘em all. So there’s no way I’m gonna miss a new one comin’ out, right?
So I drive into town to the movie theater and just my luck, this wolfman movie’s playin’. Just opened. Somethin’ you should know about me: I got good luck. Stick with Lance, if you want your luck to hold out. Mine always does.
So I buy a ticket, get a drink — bottled water, thanks, no soda, nothin’ carbonated — and settle in for this wolfman movie I been lookin’ forward to.
First thing you gotta know about wolfman movies: usually there’s a gypsy in there somewhere. So first thing I do when this thing comes on I start lookin’ for a gypsy. Now, the main guy in this picture, I don’t recognize him. I probably worked with him before, I been in so many damn movies. But I don’t recognize him. Look, you been in as many movies as I have? You’re not gonna remember every face. Some you do, some you don’t.
So I’m lookin’ at this guy, thinkin’ “He a gypsy?” Nah, he ain’t no gypsy. He’s just some guy.
Some guy who’s probably about to be bitten by a cursed wolf.
Anyhow, he’s out in the woods. Not sure if this movie takes place in England or what, but wherever it is, it looks cold. And the last place you wanna be in a wolfman movie is out in the woods, ‘specially when it’s cold. I’m thinkin’, “Get outta those damn woods, man.” But hey, he can’t hear me. Poor sonofabitch don’t even know he’s in a wolfman movie.
And that’s when the gypsy came in. Like I thought it’d be, it’s a lady. She’s got the bracelets and all. She tells him some crazy mumbo jumbo about the moon and the legend and what-have-you. But it don’t matter what she says, right? At this point, I know how it’s all gonna go down.
This guy’s turnin’ into a wolfman. Just a matter of time.
So later on he does some stuff in a mansion or castle, talkin’ to this old dude I remember from some movies. They’re goin’ on and on, but all I’m thinkin’ about is how that moon looks awful full. I’ve seen enough wolfman movies to know what that means. And it don’t mean nothin’ good.
So now this guy, the guy who’d been talkin’ to the gypsy and talkin’ to the old dude, well, now he’s out in the woods again. Yeah, yeah, I know: “Get outta those woods, if you know what’s good for you, man.” Well, this guy, he ain’t listenin’. And then there’s that howl…
Now one thing you gotta know about wolfman movies. That howl? That howl could mean one of two things. Could mean a wolf. Just some old wolf out there in the woods, bayin’ at the moon, as wolves’re known to do. Hell, even Grouch gets to howlin’ when the mood takes him sometimes. But that howl could mean something else. Could mean something far worse than some old wolf.
That howl could mean a wolfman.
So it’s right around here that this guy gets attacked by a damn wolf. Hey, what can I say? You run around in the woods all night, chances’re better than good this is gonna happen. And this ain’t no regular wolf. This guy gets away from a wolf attack with just a bite, he thinks he’s doin’ great. Well, guess what? He ain’t.
Because that wasn’t no regular wolf at all, man. That guy just got bit by a damn cursed wolf.
Look, I’ve seen enough wolfman movies to know that here’s the part of the movie where we get to see the guy transform into a wolfman. So I’m watchin’ thinkin’ “Any moment now, this guy’s turnin’ into a damn wolfman.”
And sure enough. That’s what happened.
So now you got this guy runnin’ around the woods and he’s more than a man. Hell, he’s more than a wolf. This is some kind of creature you ain’t never seen before. Unless, that is, you’re like me, and you’ve seen your fair share of wolfman movies. Because that thing runnin’ around? That’s a damn wolfman.
Two things you gotta know about a wolfman. First thing is, you got a wolfman on the loose, people’re gonna get killed. Not just killed — eaten. Eaten by a creature that is half-man, half-wolf. This particular wolfman? He eats about 50 people in the first couple hours of bein’ a wolfman. I’m thinkin’ “Damn, man, that’s a lotta people.” Even I had to admit.
Second thing you gotta know about a wolfman is, you can’t kill this thing with ordinary bullets. You got guns? Yeah, good luck with that. Don’t matter how many damn guns you got if they got regular bullets in ‘em. Because only one thing’ll put down a wolfman, and that’s a silver bullet.
So I’m sittin’ there watchin’ this movie and this wolfman’s just eatin’ everybody in sight. And I’m thinkin’ “They don’t get some damn silver bullets, ain’t nothing gonna stop that thing.”
Well, imagine my surprise when that old dude shows up carrying guess what? Some damn silver bullets. He starts sayin’ that’s the only way to put that thing down, meaning the wolfman. And I’m just noddin’ my head, yep.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
And that poor bastard keeps turnin’ back to human when the moon ain’t full, feelin’ bad about all the people he’s been eating. You almost had to feel sorry for the guy. But then again, it was all over for him when he got bit by that cursed wolf.
Poor sonofabitch.
Next thing you know, the moon’s full again. And that wolfman’s back out there, eatin’ every person too damn stupid to be safe indoors. So now I’m thinkin’ that old dude’s gonna take that silver bullet and take that wolfman down.
Man, was I ever wrong. That wolfman gets shot by his damn girlfriend.
And that’s about where it ends. Long story short? Don’t get bit by a cursed wolf, man. Ain’t nothin’ good ever came outta that. But I could’ve told you that before this whole movie started.
I’d give this movie about 4 stars. I’d’ve given it three but I gotta say, I didn’t see that girlfriend killin’ that wolfman like that comin’. That one threw me. Hell, I’ll throw one more star on there just for that. Five stars it is.
I wouldn’t recommend this movie to you if you don’t like wolfman pictures. But if you’re anything like me? You love those damn things.
What can I say, man. That’s just me in a nutshell, the only man I know how to be: Lance Henriksen. Now I better go see what Grouch is howlin’ about.
Sincerely,
Lance Henriksen
