“I Vant To Crush Your Minivan!!!” — Television And Film’s Top 10 Most Dastardly Villains, Part One
Everybody loves a good bad guy! From Darth Vader to Darth Maul, TV and movies have delighted us with some truly terrifying specimens of gnarly no-goodnik nefariousness over the years! Collected below are some of our very favorite evil-doers and why they chilled our very bones — and thrilled our hearts!
10. LARS GLEMLSCHLISS - DIE HARD 3
When John McLaine (Bruce Willis) was killed by torture-happy terrorist Ivan Domchowski (Steve Allen) in the original Die Hard, it was up to John’s brother Jack MacLane (Willis with mustache) to get revenge. Unfortunately, the irascible Ivan was killed in the same nuclear helicopter explosion that got John, so Jack was forced to seek out super-Nazi war criminal Lars Glemlschliss (Ron Silver) — who had been behind the whole plot all along! Famous for his cane-sword made from a re-animated shark, Lars manages to slaughter an entire schoolbus in the first 8 minutes. Despite “Jac-Mac’s” best efforts, it proved “hard” to make Lars “die” and the Teutonic terror appeared in 7 more sequels, including Die Hard V: Die, Lars and the German-language spinoff Die Lars [The Lars].
9. DA CA$H REGISTA - NEW JACK CITY 2: RETURN TO HACKENSACK
While heavily criticized at the time for introducing science-fiction elements and using no characters from the original film, in recent years a sizeable cult (mainly comprised of grad students and the Hmong people) has built up around this odd, visionary sequel to the 1991 gangsta hit. The film tells the tale of undercover detective G. Howe Cool (Sam Waterston) as he infiltrates a horde of zombie alien drug dealers (played by the Red Hot Chili Peppers) who have invaded the streets of “Hackensack” — a fictional stand-in for Rahway, New Jersey. The demented Sc’thzillan warlord Regista’s dubious plot involves ridding the world of rap music and breakdancing, while getting teens hooked on a new drug called “cramp.” Only Cool and his ragtag band of inspired high school students can stop the “inta-galactic G.” whose famous catch-phrase — “Git outta heah!” — will haunt hip-hop for decades to come.
8. SHERIFF ALMOND “DIRT” BALL - CONVOY
Nobody does redneck sadist weirdo psychopath like famed Austrian character actor Ernst Borgnine (picture unavailable). But it wasn’t until 1974’s monster truck (though not “Monster-Truck”) blockbuster Convoy that we saw just how far he could go. Sheriff Ball is all “cussin’, stompin’, and standin’ around” as he chases good ol’ boy C.B. Goodbuddy (singer/songwriter Gordon Lightfoot in his film debut) through the dusty roads of Missioura. A paragon of southern charm he ain’t, as he smashes a car with a banjo, sets fire to a hoe-down, eats an entire horse, and sets back race relations an entire decade with his poor treatment of Korean sidekick Cho. But we loved him for it!
7. VLAV NOSFEROCIOUS - CURSE OF THE CRAZY VAMPIRES et al
Is there a more (in)famous vampire than Lord Nosferocious, First Duke of Craddenbury? First appearing in 1958’s classic The Bells of The Vampire Prince, and returning for 76 more movies through the 1960’s, the feared but noble despot of the dark was known for his dapper attire, flawless elocution and crippling fear of blood, bats, coffins, darkness, capes, fangs, other vampires, drowning, heights, open spaces, enclosed spaces, medium spaces, rodents, static electricity, germs, hospitals, clowns, and heavy Eastern-European accents.
6. PABLO “EL TECLADO” VELASQUEZ - MIAMI VICE
When ace cops Crockett and Tubbs venture down south to Bolivia to bust Columbian drug kingpins who have been hiding out in deepest Mexico, they get more than they bargained for when they confront Nicaraguan enforcer “El Teclado” and his ultra-modern electric keyboard, capable of spraying bullets, fire, illegal drugs, and poisonous gas (though it does not actually play music). After Teclado kidnaps Crockett’s girlfriend Rita, he erases Tubbs’s brain, causing him to become a mindless assassin for the El Salvador cartel. Season 6’s epic cliffhanger featuring Lt. Castillo and wacky pilot Loco Larry (Don Felder) hanging from a cliff in Honduras while Teclado invades Costa Rica counts among the most breathless moments in television history.
Check back soon for the final frenzied countdown of the best worst guys of all time!
