More Baby Names For Which To Name The HECK Out Of Your Very Own Baby (Pt. 2 In A Series)
Like many people on the internet, you may have seen our first installment of ideas on how to name your baby if you’re not just going to name it after your favorite Elton John song. And if you are one of those lucky souls, you may have noticed that we only made it up to the letter “K” which means there’s a whole bunch more letters in the alphabet, which means baby-names out the “Wazoo,” as they say.
So, hereforth are more letters with which your very own baby’s name might begin with!
L
Boys:
LARRY: Dates back to a figure in 15th Century Spain known as the Grand Inquisitor Larry of Castile, who innovated various methods of making tongues hurt a lot.
LYLE: Diminutive form of “Lylathorian,” which is the kind of car used to make time machines. Denotes rotten luck, drug addiction.
Girls:
LAURIE: Girl form of “Larry.” More likely than not to marry either a Larry or another Laurie.
LIZ: Short for “Lizard.”
M
Boys:
MILT: Short for Milton-Bradley. “Uncle Milty” was a nickname for Milton Berle as well as various alcoholic uncles who ruin family gatherings every goddamn year.
MURRAY: From the Alsatian “Myrrh” meaning “Geez, is it cold in here or WHAT?” Better name for a dog than a human, generally speaking.
Girls:
MELISSA: Anagrammatic of “Lime Ass” which is a kind of green donkey that tends to be extraordinarily lazy/horny.
MILIFICENT: A pretty-sounding name that secretly means your child will grow up to be an evil, scheming, witch-type murderess. See also: MURDERESSA
N
Boys:
NELDON: Neldon Arpmit was the first professional basketball referee, 300 years before the invention of the sport itself. This name is illegal in Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Scotland.
NORGUS: Lithuanian word meaning “heavy metal dude.” A group of three or more Norguses is referred to as a “scrum.”
Girls:
NEONELLA: A sweet name I just made up.
NORA: Mid-Olde Englishe name originally meant to convey indecisiveness. “Aye, shay’s [she’s] neigher [neither] a maergher [horse] nora horse [battleship]. Caell [call] her Nora, mates [friends]!”
O
Boys:
OBLERTO: Old Portuguese name, long-associated with royalty. Prince Oblerto Danza was the first in his country to realize that Portugal wasn’t just a part of Spain, but a proper country with its own language or whatever.
OLIVER: From the English meaning “more olive-like.” Contrary to the popular understanding, most Olivers are super-annoying.
Girls:
OPHELIA: Originally a Japanese name meaning “mall chick,” Ophelia became a popular name with European railworkers starting when railroads were invented. Now there are no railroads.
ORANGERIE: Although this name, of Belgian origin, was once synonymous with “prude,” the last forty years have seen it become more synonymous with “pricktease.” (“Pricktease” is a Belgian term for “wood-paneling.”)
P
Boys:
PAUL: On the road to Damascus, Saul changed his name to Paul so he could make it big in Hollywood.
P. F.: Name popularized by restaurateur P. F. (“P.J.” F. [Scott]) Chang. This later inspired songwriter Oblerto Sloan to change his name to P. F. Sloan so he could make it big in Hollywood. He did!
Girls:
POBLANO: Diminutive feminine of “Pope,” which is funny because a female pope? Come on!
PEG: Misspelling of “Meg” that just held on, tenaciously, thanks to generations of idiots.
Q
Boys:
QUIDDLESTON: Common name among Ivy League students, shysters, and the guy who cleans my furnace.
Q9-LMN: Droid name.
Girls:
QUICHE: No “real men” jokes har har har!! But seriously, this French name has been rarely used since the late 1700s, when Countess Quiche d’Uvula (“The Shoe’d Contessa”) was beheaded.
QUILA: Short for “Tequila,” a name that would just make a lot of people very, very sad for your daughter.
R
Boys:
RA’S AL GHUL: Popular among Irish-American immigrants in the 1930s, eg. comedian Ra’s Al Ghul Mooney, known for playing hapless policemen.
ROQUEFORT: Now mainly thought of as a kind of cheese made from sheep’s milk, Rodalio Wendell Roquefort was a renowned, swashbuckling libertine, often seen with his prize-winning sheep, known for their soft, creamy milk (which he frequently made into cheese).
Girls:
RAGGEDY-ANN: Really the only option if your baby girl has a flat, red triangle where her nose should be. Raggedy-Ann Barnaby was the United States Secretary of Transportation during the third Taft Administration.
ROOF: Mispronunciation of “Ruth,” common due to Ruths often being the daughters of toothless hillbillies.
S
Boys:
SLANDON: Slandon Fields, Kentucky was the site of the final battle in the Civil War, fought by confused, elderly soldiers in August 1924.
STARCHILD: Nicknames include Starchie, Startcho, Starchface, Starchopolis.
Girls:
SHALALALAMA: Midlothian for “shirt covered in food.” Shalalalalama Eubanks was the astronaut daughter of game show personality Bob Eubanks. Both were murdered by Ted Bundy — exactly ten years ago tonight!!!!
SONYA: Femine form of “Sony” - famed for their TVs and play-stations.
T
Boys:
THARGURN: Common name chosen by D&D players who think they’re making up a brand-new, Tolkein-sounding name but they’re actually just like the thousandth person to come up with “Thargurn.”
TUXEDOMAN: He’s spiffy! He’s spatty! He’s outragous, contagious and batty! He’s fancy! Look at him dancing! He totally stupenderous, positively boisterous, he’s the famous Tuxedomaaaaaaaan!
Girls:
TENSE: Short for “Hortense.” And look, as bad a name as “Tense” is, it’s way better than “Hortense.”
TISH: Phonetically, it’s “shit” backwards, but nobody will remember that when they get to know your lovely, charismatic daughter!
BABY NAMES FOR LETTERS U THRU ZED COMING UP NEXT THURSDAY!!!
