Outline For Unused (Unfilmed) Ninth Season of ABC’s Perfect Strangers Starring Mark Linn-Baker and Balki
Too soon. Too soon!
Have these words ever been more profoundly appropriate than when describing ABC’s decision to cancel their hit comedy series Perfect Strangers in that terrible autumn of 1991? No. The answer is no. But what is the question, really?
The program had delighted audiences for years, was a smash in the “ratings,” measurement numbers scale, its characters had appeared on all manner of cereal boxes and stock cars (there was even a set of Micro Machines devoted to the beloved show), and yet the powers that be saw fit to tear it from the airwaves — and our hearts.
But the story of Perfect Strangers (and Larry Appleton [Mark Linn-Baker] and Balki Bartokomos [as himself]) didn’t exactly end where we once thought it did. Strangers head writer Lance Kettlering recently unveiled the projected story arc and plot outlines for the hitherto mysterious Ninth season of the series.
These new storylines reveal what would have been perhaps the funniest, most heartwarming season of Perfect Strangers of all.
Season 9, Episode 1
Larry (Mark “Linn” Baker), Balki (himself) and their wives Jennifer and Mary-Anne have moved into a new apartment, along with their respective children (Sam and Terri, respectively). Moving Day brings many minor catastrophes (including the first-ever “Dance of Joy” atop a 40 ft. ladder!) and much cheer, until a surprise telegram arrives for Balki, and the tone turns very somber indeed…(to be continued)
Season 9, Episode 2
The telegram crisis averted, Balki (as himself) learns that his Mypoitian grand-uncle General Tarlb Bartokomos has been elected Prime Ministrator of Myposolitan Defense Affairs after the bloodless coup that overthrew tyrant dictator Malm Chaaldersh (and caused widespread casualties). Balki and Larry (Mark-Linn Baker) attempt to build a deck, causing the garage to collapse. It’s unclear if their beloved dog “Dirk” was in there at the time…(to be continued)
Season 9, Episode 3
A deposed Chaaldersh seeks political asylum in Venezuela, where he meets Missus Applepuntz, Mary-Anne’s former nanny. Riots cause several churches to burn to the ground in the Mypozilian capital Mynrplos (widespread casualties). Larry (Mark Linnbaker) explains the basics of American fatherhood to Balki using a football and a turkey baster.
Season 9, Episode 4
Jennifer starts taking flying lessons from a handsome instructor, while Larry (M. L. Baker) seethes with jealousy. Mypos is declared a police state while the country is flooded with CIA operatives attempting to reverse the recent coup (several villages are burned). James Baker (no relation) describes Tarlb Bartokomos’s group as “a dangerous cadre of fascistic sadists.” Balki’s romantic dinner for Mary-Anne goes awry, but a curiously familiar waiter steps in to save the day.
Season 9, Episode 5
Balki (as Balki) performs the Myposhi ceremony where the best goat in the village is crowned “luchos [king] for a day” and everybody has to do what the goat says. An exasperated Larry (Markli N. N. Baker) agrees to take Balki and the recalcitrant goat on a fishing trip, but it turns out goats can’t get fishing licenses, so the trio makes a plan to do some illegal night-goat fishing.
Season 9, Episode 6
Approximately 3,000 American soldiers are rumored to have been deployed to the Myponese border, according to British intelligence, but a media blackout means there’s little anyone can know for sure. Missus Applepuntz is found murdered in a Caracas hotel room. Larry (Mar Klinn-Baker) takes Balki to open a checking account. A mysterious plane lands in Argentina.
Season 9, Episode 7
Larry (Mark Linnba-Ker) plans a surprise birthday party for Jennifer, but Balki’s novice plumbing performance results in a little more water than anticipated! Chaaldersh meets with sympathetic U.S. Senators in Guyana. First mention in the media reports of the term “ethnic cleansing.”
Season 9, Episode 8
Having learned of her former nanny’s grisly death, Mary-Anne visits the Venezuelan embassy looking for answers and finds the place a madcap madhouse. Jennifer’s affair with her airplane instructor reaches a puzzling new level in mid-flight! Larry’s (MLB) baseball team surprisingly picks Balki as star pitcher while he (Larry [Mark Linn_Baker]) sits warming the bench.
Season 9, Episode 9
When Mr. Twinkacetti is released from prison, the boys decide to take him for a night on the town. Things go fine until they bump into Twinki’s estranged wife Edwina, whose drinking has spiraled out of control and whose erratic, violent behavior leaves them no choice but to call the authorities.
Season 9, Episode 10
Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff William J. Crowe is investigated for funneling money to Myposidian rebels, while General Tarlb Bartokomos seizes control of the country’s grain supply. Rumors of mass graves filter out of underground sources. A small group of student demonstrators appropriate Balki’s image to promote their cause (and suffer heavy casualties). Mary-Anne discovers that there’s more than meets the eye in her murder investigation.
Season 9, Episode 11
Balki’s ”bibi-bobkas” prove a sensation at Larry’s (Marklinnbaker) dinner party, taking the focus off his big news. Jennifer decides to break off her relationship with the handsome flight instructor, causing him to swear revenge on the clueless Larry (Rekab-Nnil Kram).
Season 9, Episode 12
PBS airs the documentary “Terror of Freedom?: The Mypos Junta,” featuring a well-balanced view of the situation by Bill Moyers. Balki (playing himself this time) sees a familiar face on his first day of class at night school: Mr. Gorpley!
Season 9, Episode 13
Malm Chaaldersh’s secret army of shock troops are surreptitiously re-activated (likely by CIA infiltrators receiving marching orders from the deposed dictator himself), and storm the streets of Boklapoomza, where the freedom-fighting “Balkiites” have made their presence known. Balki tries to do Larry (M.A.R.K. L.I.N.N. B.A.K.E.R.) a favor by doing the laundry, but ends up ruining his favorite shirt.
Season 9, Episode 14
Several foreign dignitaries are kidnapped by Chaaldersh loyalists, while Mary-Anne travels to Mypos with a dangerous message for Tarlb Bartokomos. Jennifer’s new promotion leads to tension between Larry (Linn-Baker, Mark) and Balki (Balky). On Chicago’s south side, the jilted flight instructor makes a fateful decision that will affect everyone…(to be continued)
Season 9, Episode 15
Trapped in the elevator, Mark Linn-Baker (Larry) and Balki (Mark Linn-Baker) reminisce about their many adventures (clip show).
Season 9, Episode 16
An assassination attempt on Tarlb causes him to question his faith in the Mypopotamian god Herglud. Mary-Anne is recognized as a potent symbol for the Balkiite cause, so she begins training in guerrilla warfare. Larry ((M)(a)r)k))(Linn)((B)ak))E)r))) and Balki (in the role of Balki) take in a homeless waif who may or may not be stealing from Mrs. Gorpley.
Season 9, Episode 17
U.S. troops invade Mypos.
Season 9, Episode 18
Strapped with explosives, Mary-Anne discovers Malm Chaaldersh’s bunker hideout in Hypmaplatan, across the Myposnish border. Her kamikaze mission is foiled however, when she discovers Balki has strung together his famous “bibi-bobkas” instead of actual dynamite. Jennifer learns she is the target of Mafia hitmen, but her car won’t start.
Season 9, Episode 19
Balki’s idol Wayne Newton is in town for a fundraiser for Myposite refugees. Larry (????) thinks he can get a backstage pass using his journalist credentials, but finds himself frozen out on the street while his cousin stumbles into Newton’s guest suite! Mary-Anne is tortured by Chaaldersh’s private physician, Dr. Wormthick.
Season 9, Episode 20
Brainwashed by her tormentors, Mary-Anne returns to the Balkiite stronghold and murders the few remaining members, next determining to return home and kill Balki (Bartokamous). Tarlb Bartokomos escapes to Tibet where he is eaten by wolves. Larry’s (www.marklinnbaker.com) visit home to Wisconsin is cut short when Balki gets pulled over for speeding. After calling in a sexy mechanic to fix her car, Jennifer goes on the run from the mob.
Season 9, Episode 21
Mypos holds its first presidential election since the crisis, and Malm Chaaldersh is elected in a landslide. U.S. forces begin to withdraw, and Balki is burned in effigy throughout the nation’s tiny villages. Back home, the boys discover life returning to the usual chaos as Sam and Terri return from summer camp. It turns out they brought home a case of poison oak! (to be continued)
Season 9, Episode 22
In the series finale, Larry (Mark Linn~Baker) and Bronson (Balki Pinchot) throw a giant coming-home party for Mary-Anne and Jennifer. Many faces from the gang’s past arrive, including Twinki, Edwina, Mr. and Mrs. Gorpley, Bartok, Zoltan, Mr. Wainwright, and the entire Winslow family. Balki sets up a slideshow, and they all laugh fondly at the many memories they’ve shared through the years. After the party, Mary-Anne and Jennifer slip out in the dead of night, stealing a cold and deadly kiss as they embark on a quest for vengeance.
