Dr. Caroline Rice-Thungsen’s Guide To Holiday Happiness
Famed advice columnist and family therapologist practitioner Dr. Caroline Rice-Thungsen, PhD answers your questions from our readers (and you!) about how best to cope with holiday stress, anxiety, delirium tremens, batter’s wrist, and blood disposal.
Dr. Rice-Thungsen,
I am a 28 year old woman who recently became engaged to her longtime boyfriend. Despite having dated for nearly 3 years, I’ve never met his parents! Well, this Christmas he’s invited me to enjoy the holidays at their house in the country and while I know there’s nothing to be worried about (is there?) I can’t help but be nervous. Are there any handy tips for meeting future in-laws for the first time? Signed, Doesn’t Want A Ruined Christmas This Year
Well, DWARCTY, everybody has to meet their in-laws at some point, and it doesn’t all have to be like Meet The Fuckers, you know? If you play your cards right, you’ll be a member of the family before the first present is unwrapped! Just follow a few key guidelines:
1.) Never call the parents by their first names. They’ll let you know when it’s a good time to get more casual. Instead, call the father “Sir” or “Sire.” If he’s a captain in the Navy, call him “Captain,” if he’s a major, call him “Millie” and so on. If he’s a doctor call him “Doctor” or “Dr.” If he’s an English lord, call him “M’Lord” or “Your lordship” or “Y’lorshp.”
As for your mother-in-law-to-be, she likely prefers to be called “Madam” or “Madame” or “Ma’am” or “Ma’ad’a’am” or some similar variation. If she doesn’t speak English, simply clap or bark when you need her attention.
2.) Help out around the house. The holidays can be a stressful time for any family hosting the festivities. Don’t be afraid to pitch in if the Christmas Hive needs tending or the turkey gets out of its cage. And of course, you get to keep any silverware you clear off the table, so think of it as a gift to yourself!
3.) Speaking of gifts, don’t accept any. While generosity is a big part of the season, let’s face it: you’ve only known these people a few days at most. Politely unwrap whatever presents you’re given, set them aside, and then when no one’s watching, stuff them under a piece of furniture or in the garage. Your discretion and honesty will be appreciated later on!
4.) Let your hair down! The most important thing is to relax and have fun. Most families enjoy drinking alcohol this time of year, and you should try and fit in. If you have a history of “over-indulgence,” try and keep up until mom, dad, and the others are a little out of it, and then go lie down for an hour or so. You should feel refreshed and ready for more yuletide cheer when you return!
Good luck, DWARCTY!
Dear Dr. Rice(-Thungsen),
I love Christmas, but I’m terrified of sleighs! Meanwhile, my husband and children love them and look forward all year long to flying our 5-seater sleigh down Mt. Nykvist. I realize speed is a big part of the thrill for them, but I can’t help but fear for my life the whole way down. Should I just get over it? Signed, Feeling Afraid Regarding Speedy Sleighs
Don’t worry, FARSS, you’re not alone. Studies show that sleigh-related phobia is a big contributor to holiday stress, particularly among women. And your fear is hardly misplaced: the NPRSCCATC reports that 345 people were killed last year in sleigh accidents, 78% of them on your very own Mt. Nykvist!
And there’s not much you can do: the first sleighs were designed in the early 1800’s and they haven’t improved much since then, safety-wise. They lack seatbelts or straps of any kind and tend to fall apart upon even the mildest impact. And of course, they were hardly meant for the 100mph+ speeds they now regularly attain while careening down mountain passes since the holiday sport gained popularity a few years ago.
Furthermore, pads and helmets have been shown to be virtually worthless. The fatality statistics are about the same for passengers with and without such protection. A heck of a lot of good a helmet will do you when you’ve fallen 3,000 feet off the side of a mountain!
Having said all that, this is clearly something your family enjoys, and it would be selfish and spoil-sporty not to tag along. Get with the spirit, FARSS!
Dear Dr. Thungsen-Rice (or “vice-versa” haha),
How much is too little to spend on gifts for my wife and children this Christmas? Signed, Are They Truly Worth All This And Don’t I Do Enough As It Is?
We all know these are tough economic times, ATTWATADIDEAII. While it doesn’t seem right to put a price on how much you love, like, or dislike your family, you have to give yourself guidelines when it comes to holiday shopping.
Fortunately for you (and the rest of us!), Dr. Saswati Markanowicz at the Center For Human Happiness And Expansion Of Joy Center in Denton, OH(io) has developed a system by which we are able to determine precisely how much one can spend on a “loved” one without causing offense on the one hand, or hurting your pocketbook on the other.
Dr. Markanowicz’s (or “Wizzy” as we called him in grad school!) system works like this: first you pick among 14 color hues that correspond to the level of “love output” you feel for, say, your 10 year old son. Choose “Lime Red” if you really, really love him, “Orange-ish” if you sort of love him, “Deepest Blue” if you semi-dislike him, “Reddened Lime” if you mostly-hate him, etc.
Each color has a number value between 0 and 4,000, going in a reverse spectrum sequence based on the prism matrix Dr. Federal developed in the 1960’s at Stamford. These numbers are then given basic “Human Sufficiency Scores” or “HSSS’s.” For instance, if you’ve given your son a Dark Yellow value of 997.80, you’ll want to spend (at most) 0.0023% of your annual salary on his Christmas present. What’s more, if his birthday falls within 45 days of December 25th, this number is halved.
All in all, it’s a fun and easy way for you and your family to discover what you mean to one another. But more importantly, it’s a great way to save cash!
Happy Holidays, dear readers! Keep sending in your crises, problems, issues, pictures, complaints, thoughts, and photos, along with SASE stamped envelope and cash contribution to:
Dr. Caroline Sez
4 West Block 12nd St.
Minneapolis, Virginia, 44554
