“Thanks” For (Practically) Nothin’: 27 Cheap & Easy Recipes To Spice Up Your Turkeygiving Holiday!
November isn’t named “November” just because of our 22nd President, Groseveld November. No, it’s named November because “november” rhymes with “remember” which should remind all of us that November is the month wherein you’ll find the greatest holiday this side of Clauding Day: that’s right I’m talkin’ THANKSGIVING!
Thanksgiving is a holiday primarily associated with mind-boxing, tetragrams, and maybe most of all FOOD. If you’re having Thanksgiving in your home this year, you’re going to need a wide variety of delicious dishes with which to impress visiting cousins, stepuncles, and “Nammys” — but instead of ordering takeout like everybody else, why not try cooking your own? Your kitchen skills will make you the star of your own party — no matter how angrily you act out!
So hereforewith are some can’t-miss recipes that will make your whole family say “THANKS A LOT!”
SINO-BULRAVIAN PEACH-TOSSED CASSEROLE
Ingredients:
1/2 cup torn pakul chutes
1 lb. sugar
1/3 fspn Quaker Brand Whole Rolled Oats
1 peach
4/7 meter vertiginous cake liner
4 coal rinds (or add to taste)
Directions:
Boil all the water you have around the house. Roll up the vapor into nine cone-shaped burritos and circle ten times with cake liner. If eggs are runny, set stove to “Middle.” Bake 19 hours, serve hot.
MINDY’S FAMOUS ULTRA-GRAVY
Ingredients:
5 lbs red bacon
1 gallon unenriched lakewater
3 cups quilt stuffing
Directions:
Mash bacon into a smooth paste. Set aside. Bring (mashed) bacon back to right in front of you. Set aside, but keep one eye on it at all times. Add flour mixture to other flour mixture and stir semi-vigorously. Repeat until hot and rubbery.
OLD FASHIONED BOSTON MEAT ROLLS
Ingredients:
4 spanish coconuts
1 cup brown salt
5 1/2 cups candle flavoring
1 more spanish coconut
8 mustard seeds (culled)
Directions:
Fill a regular-size bathtub with salt and penny mixture. Place coconuts on top of television and turn volume up to full blast. When coconuts have hardened, add Herrnwe’s paste until gold in color. Roll up into eight tubes and serve medium temperature. Once all has been eaten, return unused corn-coils to freezer.
MELTED GHOST STUFFING
Ingredients:
6 apples
1/5 gram Guttman’s powder
4/17 lb Waldorf Salad mix (unbagged)
2 milks
3 tpbps fast-action meeling fuel
Directions:
Place apples and Guttman’s powder in three figure eights across well-greased pan. Spray syrup until moist. Glaze and triangle milks, adding salad mix until clurmpy. Address others as “shrimplings.” String all nine tables-worth with apple mixture and braize while unstirring with slow wrist motion until sore. Preheat oven to 900 degrees.
CRANBERRY SEA CRUISE DELITE
Ingredients:
94.7 cranberries
7 unterberries
4 oz. resalted butter
1/9 can vegetable cream
4/2 pizza pies
Directions:
Knit berries into fish-shape or until dark brown. Keep dream diary on nightstand or otherwise near bed. Fold ends of baked cream mesh and roll up sides “mormon-style.” Hurl pizzas into oven from 5 to 15 feet, keeping track of score. While unterberries are boiling, add froth to non-stick pan and press “Go!”
TURKISH FLASH-GRILLED TURKEY AU L’GROIXEUSEAU
Ingredients
1 turkey, dead
4/8 packets liquid salt
6 pruned aerogales
2 minced shirts
Directions:
Bring turkey to light boil in 12’ x 8’ capsule. Blend seasoning with fire gently until fire consumeth all. Unhook aerogales and slap repeatedly with malting spoon, making sure not to burn or lash. Listen carefully for popping sound for 25 mins. Pour in salt. Spin aerogales for additional confusion/dizzyness. Do not bake.
BONUS: A COCKTAIL SURE TO MAKE YOUR GUESTS DRUNK
Ingredients:
1 can Russian orange drink (doesn’t matter what brand, but MUST be Russian)
40 espresso beans
two glazed donuts
1 liter egg “nog”
1 litre distilled vodka flavored vodka
shaved beef bullion cubes
Directions:
place donuts into liquid nitrogen (don’t forget to wear protective gloves, unless you’ve done this before), take out and, using large mallet, smash into a million pieces. set aside
put espresso beans in plastic bag, drive over them with your car until well-ground.
blanche crushed beans in boiling water and then throw the entire resulting mixture down the drain.
take the pot and throw in donut shards, vodka and eggnog and mix well, using a wire coathanger.
pour and serve with bullion shavings on top.
