Harvee Plemptum’s T(error)rrrrrr-ific Costume Ideas for Hallo-“ween!”
Above: Harv and his Phi-Delt brothers dressed as “The Minnesota Vikings.” The distinctive helmets were made out of ”papier-machete.”
Well, it may be hard to believe but another Clauding Day has come and gone (our offices still smell like vanilla-scented candle!), and you know what that means: only three short weeks before it’s Halloween! Get ready!
We had such an overwhelming response (letters, postcards, packages, summonses, late-night phone calls, and a few unexpected house calls!) to last year’s Halloween column that we knew we’d have to do another. Plus it fulfills part of our plea bargain.
But we also listened to (some or) all your valuable feedback! Many readers complained that the ideas, while good, were somewhat confusing and not specific enough, resulting in embarrassment, fatalities, minor injuries, death, head-severage, peed-pants, and varicose cramps! Sounds like a Halloween party to me mwahahahahaha.
But seriously. We’ve simplified, going bare-bones (get it? skeletons!) by dividing this year’s costume concepts into a scant 19 special categories so you can find the best get-up for your personality! Simply take your age, multiply it by your interests and hobbies, and line up your height, weight (in stones), and favorite temperature to reveal your “Hallo-Costumer’s Frygian Personality Index Quotient” serial number—It’s just that easy! And before you know it you’ll be winning costume contest prizes faster than you can say “help me out of this boba fett mask I’m suffocating!!!”
X/K89762 - (Boy, Scary, Age 9-11): WALRUS
There’s nothing in or near the ocean quite as terrifying as a full-grown Blarn-tusked Aphasian Walrus Monster, commonly known as the “walrus.” And ever since the hit movie VLAARBL: Legend Of The Last Killer Walrus starring Roy Sheider and Hal Holbrook, teenage boys have been clamoring like Ecuadoreans on All Clauding’s Eve for the perfect walrus costume—or “coz-choom” as the English say! (Those drunks!) For this one, just tie seven wool or dacron blankets together and knead with mottling fluid for three afternoons. Add oranges for the eyeballs and get ready to tusk!
HG/KJ77651 - (Girl, Scary/Pretty, Ages 13-16): NIA VARDOLOS
Before her fame as an accomplished comedienne on film and television, Nia Vardolos was a well-renowned serial killer. Her sterling record of nearly 40 murders in 17 different states over the course of the early ’90s makes her a perfect subject for any high-school age girl looking for a potent blend of the sexy and the spooky! The key to the Nia Vardolos costume is the orthopaedic back brace (available for between $700-$1599 from most medical suppliers) to give that distinctive “Nia lean.” Add a 14” kitchen knife and you’re ready for a big, fat, Greek bloodletting! Note: ”homely” (ugly) girls should not try this costume — I’m looking at you, Caitlin Sanford of Millerville, Virginia!
XD/Y786JH5 - (Boy, Scary/Historical, Ages 5-34): MUMMY IN KNIGHT ARMOR
Mummies, of course, are one of the more desirable choices for Halloween, but for most parents it is cost-prohibitive to travel all the way to Egypt to procure the necessary Egyptian toilet paper to construct a truly authentic-looking mummy outfit. This, then, is an ideal solution: no one will know you’re not wrapped in “mummy-tape” underneath all that metal, and the knight costume itself is easily constructed from whatever armor you have around the house. Don’t forget to walk mummy-style, though! Otherwise they might think you’re a vampire in knight armor!
RM-X766564/Li6 - (Boy, Scary/Terrifying/Gory/Satanic, Ages 9-23): PUMPKIN
Garbage bag; orange-ish paint; orchid leaves.
87G-ZT433 - (Girl, Pretty/Cute/Animal-Lover, Ages 5-11): PONY
Most little girls love ponies — and rightly so! Of all the animals in the kingdom which bears their name (animal), ponies are the least likely to attack and maul. Therefore, when constructing your Pony costume, it is extremely important to not place over-emphasis on the fangs, claws, or burning-red eyeballs. Another common error is making a roaring or snarling sound while in the costume. Rather, ponies tend to make a flat, buzzing noise, similar to a space-heater. Additionally, the inside of the costume can get extremely hot, so it is best to remain nude underneath.
TR4//XHD99.7Q -(Boy, Husky/Bully/Pervert/Likes Model Trains, Ages 11-17): iPhone
Everyone loves the iPhone, or really iAnything at all, but not everyone iThinks it could be made into an iCostume. iDo! HAHAHA! The best part about this costume is that it requires very little preparation. Just dismantle one of your home computers and paste the various parts to your body or underpants. If you’re low on spare computers dismantle a television or microwave oven. Be sure to unplug these appliances before dismantling them or you’ll be in for a SHOCKING surprise (death). If you have red eyes, use the same steps and voila! You can be the Terminator or Wall-E for Hollownight.
If your Sennheiser/Klron Index number wasn’t on this list, simply dress up as one of the Ghostbusters!
Happy ‘Weening, Everybody!
