Naming Your Baby A-Z: Babyname Meanings, Origins, and Occult-Power Ratings, by Les Jergens
Scientists project that more babies will be born in the year 2011 than any other year since dinosaurs roamed the Earth. While this means many things for our society (a stronger labor force, fewer plane crashes, weight loss), what it means for the millions of new-dads and moms is that all these fresh faces will need names to go along with them. While it’s nice to consider a world where infants are assigned numbers at birth, rather than easy-to-forget names, this is reality. And in reality, babies need names.
So if you’re expecting (a baby, i.e. “pregnant”), you may want to take a look at this helpful list of some of the greatest babynames out there, and how they might fit the personality you want your child to have. Remember, there’s no such thing as a “bad” name for your baby — just ask my 8-month old daughter Neckfank!
A
Boys:
ABNER/ABNERTH: Short for “Abnermarthymnyp,” which is long for the Scotch word “Abner” meaning “abn.”
ARTHUR: Means “tall-ish, covered in seaweed.” Armenian origin, becoming popular in 9th Century England among bakers and cattle. Famous Arthurs: comical alcoholic Arthur Bach, King Arthur, botanist Arthur M. Hitler.
Girls:
ANGIE: Means “formerly angelic, now sort of dumpy.” From Greek “αγγειεκτασία,” a mythical fluid tasting of mint and copper. Rolling Stones song “Angie” is about horseracing.
ASHLEY: Means “you’re telling ME!” Seems like a nice name until you actually meet someone named Ashley.
B
Boys:
BAGSLEY: Frequent nickname for someone with the last name “Baggles” or “Baggington.”
BRIAN: Anagrams: brain, nairb, arnib, irban. Brian Colcourt invented the jump rope.
Girls:
BETTE/BETTY: Bette Davis was a popular film actress known for playing men and skeletons.
BREANNA: Ontharian name meaning “7,092.” Breannas tend to require regular watering and intense concentration.
C
Boys:
CARL: From the French “carueauxlieu” meaning “heat pig.” Carlos Santana added the ending “os” to his name to avoid confusion with Carl Sandburg.
CHISEL: Means “chisel.” Parents should avoid this name unless they are certain the baby will be either extremely aggressive or archly ironic.
Girls:
CHAMOMILE: A kind of disgusting tea.
COLLEEN: Irish variation on Cthulaigh, a woman of loose morals who tried to stop St. Patrick from ridding Ireland of snakes or whatever it was. Famed actress Colleen Dewhurst died of insect poisoning.
D
Boys:
DEREK/DERRICK/DRICK: Icelandic word for “heavy drinker.” Not recommended if you have another child named Eric or Laric.
DUNPERTH: A village in Wales, famed for its tall women.
Girls:
DELILAH: Slutty lady in the bible. Franklin Delilah Roosevelt was the first woman president of the United States, on Earth-8653.
DOLORES: Rhymes with “floors.”
E
Boys:
EDWARD: Preferable to Edwin, Edgar, or Edmund, as those tend to be hunchback names. Edward Hambleton wrote “The Hambleton Chronicles” in 1867.
ELDARD: Popular among astronomers. Alternately spelled “El Dardo.”
Girls:
EMMA: Short for Emmaldahyde.
EUNICE: From the Greek for “springtime blossom” but let’s face it: it’s really close to “Eunuch.”
F
Boys:
FALDERHERN: Lord Falderhern of Canth was the first man to cross the English Channel in wool pants. Other famous examples include Falderhern Einstein, Falderhern Tchaikovsky, and Falderhern Tormé.
FRANKY: A great name if you want your child to fail at everything.
Girls:
FELICITY: From the Latin meaning “City of Cats.” Actress Felicity Huffman played a man once, but it’s not like I can tell you what to do.
FREDA: Polyponnesian fruit, known for its amphetamine-like effect.
G
Boys:
GARY: Old Testament name that got left out accidentally. Gary Gilmore tried to ruin it, but you just can’t murder the name “Gary.”
GOLDHAMMER: Kickass name meaning “I win at sports.” Congressman Goldhammer Yourp is responsible for legalizing casual conversation in public restrooms.
Girls:
GLADYS: Acronym for Great Lakes Association for Disabled Yemeni Sailors.
GIULIA: Perverted spelling of “Julia.”
H:
Boys:
HAROLD: Arabic name meaning “camel-thief.” Harold Ramis played Egon in Ghostbusters, and the more I think about it, the more I think maybe you should just name your kid “Egon.”
HUNTER: This name requires cool sunglasses. Popular nicknames include Hunt, Hunty, Huntsies, Hunto, and Unt-hay.
Girls:
HILDA: Short for “Hildahildahildahilda.” It has been said that Hilda Mayweather would have been the world’s most famous actress if not for her horrible first name.
HOLLY: From the Hopi for “Martian Deathray Cannon.” Academy Award winner Holly Hunter also went by Holly Huntsies.
I
Boys:
IRVING: Continuous aspect form of the verb “Irv” meaning “to fill with hot sauce.”
IVOR: Short for “Ivory,” a kind of fancy soap for sissies.
Girls:
IMILY: Variation on “Emily.” Imily Peacocker helped design the first miniature helicopter for ants.
ISABELLE: Confusing because it sounds like the end of a sentence. Like, what if you wanted to say your daugher was a “belle” (pretty girl)? You’d be forced to say “Isabelle is a belle” which would make you sound like you had a stutter or something. Avoid.
J
Boys:
JAGOFF: Very popular in the United States until relatively recently.
JERKOV: Very popular in Russia to this day. Means “jerkoff.”
Girls:
JANELLE: From the Swedish for “wicked temptress.” Janelle Hurmbluth played the weird-looking Nazi guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
JOYCE: From Johlls, the Norse goddess of Math.
K
Boys:
KA-ZAR: Jungle lord.
KENNY: Short for Kennyeth. Country-pop singer Kenny Newton-John attempted to break into music by hopping on the “Newton-John” craze, but his first album was banned for being too racist.
Girls:
KATHLERINE: A common misspelling of “Katherine.” Means “out by the old shed” in Nevadan.
KAMANTHA: Kamantha Saxby was one of the famed “Sizzlin’ Six,” a gang of lady bankrobbers in the 1930s. She was badly injured in a hail of gunfire in Larpley, Georgia, and then killed nine minutes later in another hail of gunfire.
Check back in next Monday for more babyname explanations!
