Laffzone: A Place For Laffz

Even More Movie Spoof Ideas for Mad Magazine

- The Duh (The Debt)

- The Sighs of Farts (The Ides of March)

- Melonballer (Melancholia)

A Few More Movie Spoof Ideas for Mad Magazine

- Rubes On The Planet That Went Ape (Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

- Muddled Bull (Moneyball)

- The Gulp! (The Help)

Some Additional Movie Spoof Title Submissions to the Esteemed Editors of Mad Magazine

- Drivel (Drive)

- Real Schlemiel (Real Steel)

- I Don’t Care Why She Does It (I Don’t Know How She Does It)

- Pete Townshend Presents: Let My Love Open The Door (To Your Pizza Oven)

- Pete Best’s Missed Opportunity Pizza

- Pete Seeger’s Authentic Brick-Oven Hootenany

Reel Movies with Lance Henriksen: Lance Reviews “Jonah Hex,” Part 1

Hey gang, it’s me.

Lance Henriksen.

A lot of you people out there are probably thinkin’ right now, “Hey, that’s Lance Henriksen.  I’ve seen him in a whole mess of great movies like The Da Vinci Treasure and The Terminator and Sasquatch Mountain and The Right Stuff and Pirates of Treasure Island and damn knows how many more.  What’s he doin’ makin’ up movie reviews?”  Well, I gotta tell ya, if I’m not appearin’ in movies?

I’m watchin’ ‘em.

And if I’m not appearin’ in or watchin’ ‘em?  Well, it just makes sense I’d be reviewin’ ‘em.

It just makes sense. Take it from me, Lance Henriksen.

Let me tell you a little story of mine that I know.  I’ve got a lot of friends and acquaintances.  Lot of my friends?  Well, a lot of ‘em are movie stars.  Take for instance my good pal James.  James and I go way back and he’s been in almost as many damn movies as I have, and I’m Lance Damn Henriksen, man.  But James has been in stuff like Blood Money and Hijacked: Flight 285 and Capricorn One and Intimate Encounters and Night of the Juggler and —- oh, what’s that?  Yeah. 

I’m talkin’ Mr. James Brolin.  Guess you heard of him. Figured you might’ve.

So anyway, the other night I’m out on my back porch sawin’ some wood when the damn phone goes off.  I pick it up and this voice comes over the line, sayin’, “Is Lance there?”

“This is Lance,” I said.

“Lance,” the voice said.  “This is James Brolin.”

Well, I’ll be damned.

So James starts tellin’ me about how there’s this new movie out and his kid is starring in it.  It’s called Jonah Hex, he’s tellin’ me.  Never heard of it, or the kid neither, but I don’t say that to James.  So then he’s askin’ me if I want to go see this movie his kid’s in, and my reaction is immediate.  I say, “James, man, we go way back.  Course I’ll go see your kid’s movie with you.  Let’s make this happen.”

So that’s how it ended up bein’ that I went to see Jonah Hex with Mr. James Brolin.

Now, around these parts you got yourself two options when it comes to seein’ movies.  You got the Carmichael 10 over in Gulfdale, and you got the Cinewonder 7 up the road in Cottontown.  Makes no difference to me, man: they’re both great places to catch a movie. Plus I like taking a nice long drive in my truck, windows down, really flyin’. Best is when my dog Grouch can come with me, but they don’t allow dogs in theaters these days. Nope, not even Grouch.  That’s a shame is what that is.

A damn shame.

But going back to it, I still had to choose one of them cinemas.  Hell, I figure I’ll go see three more movies this week, so I can even the score later on.  I ain’t playin’ favorites.  No, tonight it was all about timing.  So what happened then is I go out to the front porch and grab the paper.

I open it up.

Find that ol’ movie page. 

Showtimes.

Yessir.

I see that this Hex movie starts at 7:10 in Gulfdale and 7:45 in Cottontown.  Well, that’s when I knew how it was gonna go down.

Tonight?

Tonight I’m goin’ to Cottontown.

So next thing I do is call up my old pal, Mr. James Brolin.  I dial the phone, and it starts to ring on the other end. It rings maybe three, maybe four times. This voice says, “Hello?”

“This is Lance Henriksen.  Is James Brolin there?”

“Hey, Lance, this is James.”

Well, all right.

“James,” I say. “If it’s all the same to you, I suggest we go see your kid’s movie up in Cottontown.  7:45.”

“Fine by me,” says James Brolin.

“Fine by me too, man.  Fine by me.”

Ain’t a couple hours later and damned if I ain’t sittin’ in a movie theater with a damn good friend of mine.  I think you know who I’m talkin’ about.  Yeah, that’s right.  You got it now.

Mr. James Brolin.

At one point?  At one point James leans over to me and says, right in my ear like, “Lance, man, I love movies but my favorite part?  My favorite part of going to the movies is the previews.”

And I just look at him and I say, “Know what, man? You took the damn words right out of my mouth.”

Previews looked pretty good, man.  There was one about a ship at sea and one about some guy in a mask and another about a whole bunch of animals all gettin’ along with each other and the last one was about the damn sun.

I’ll see all those movies, man.  I just love movies.

Right then the whole room got reeeeaaal dark.  I’ve been to enough movies to know what that means: that means the movie’s startin’.

Showtime.

Come back next month for the exciting conclusion to Lance’s review of JONAH HEX!!!

More Baby Names For Which To Name The HECK Out Of Your Very Own Baby (Pt. 2 In A Series)

Like many people on the internet, you may have seen our first installment of ideas on how to name your baby if you’re not just going to name it after your favorite Elton John song.  And if you are one of those lucky souls, you may have noticed that we only made it up to the letter “K” which means there’s a whole bunch more letters in the alphabet, which means baby-names out the “Wazoo,” as they say.

So, hereforth are more letters with which your very own baby’s name might begin with!

L

Boys:

LARRY: Dates back to a figure in 15th Century Spain known as the Grand Inquisitor Larry of Castile, who innovated various methods of making tongues hurt a lot.

LYLE: Diminutive form of “Lylathorian,” which is the kind of car used to make time machines. Denotes rotten luck, drug addiction.

Girls:

LAURIE: Girl form of “Larry.”  More likely than not to marry either a Larry or another Laurie.

LIZ: Short for “Lizard.” 

M

Boys:

MILT: Short for Milton-Bradley.  “Uncle Milty” was a nickname for Milton Berle as well as various alcoholic uncles who ruin family gatherings every goddamn year.

MURRAY: From the Alsatian “Myrrh” meaning “Geez, is it cold in here or WHAT?” Better name for a dog than a human, generally speaking.

Girls:

MELISSA: Anagrammatic of “Lime Ass” which is a kind of green donkey that tends to be extraordinarily lazy/horny.

MILIFICENT: A pretty-sounding name that secretly means your child will grow up to be an evil, scheming, witch-type murderess. See also: MURDERESSA

N

Boys:

NELDON: Neldon Arpmit was the first professional basketball referee, 300 years before the invention of the sport itself. This name is illegal in Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Scotland.

NORGUS: Lithuanian word meaning “heavy metal dude.” A group of three or more Norguses is referred to as a “scrum.”

Girls:

NEONELLA: A sweet name I just made up.

NORA: Mid-Olde Englishe name originally meant to convey indecisiveness. “Aye, shay’s [she’s] neigher [neither] a maergher [horse] nora horse [battleship].  Caell [call] her Nora, mates [friends]!” 

O

Boys:

OBLERTO: Old Portuguese name, long-associated with royalty.  Prince Oblerto Danza was the first in his country to realize that Portugal wasn’t just a part of Spain, but a proper country with its own language or whatever.

OLIVER: From the English meaning “more olive-like.” Contrary to the popular understanding, most Olivers are super-annoying.

Girls:

OPHELIA: Originally a Japanese name meaning “mall chick,” Ophelia became a popular name with European railworkers starting when railroads were invented. Now there are no railroads.

ORANGERIE: Although this name, of Belgian origin, was once synonymous with “prude,” the last forty years have seen it become more synonymous with “pricktease.”  (“Pricktease” is a Belgian term for “wood-paneling.”)

P

Boys:

PAUL: On the road to Damascus, Saul changed his name to Paul so he could make it big in Hollywood.

P. F.: Name popularized by restaurateur P. F. (“P.J.” F. [Scott]) Chang. This later inspired songwriter Oblerto Sloan to change his name to P. F. Sloan so he could make it big in Hollywood. He did!

Girls:

POBLANO: Diminutive feminine of “Pope,” which is funny because a female pope? Come on!

PEG: Misspelling of “Meg” that just held on, tenaciously, thanks to generations of idiots.

Q

Boys:

QUIDDLESTON: Common name among Ivy League students, shysters, and the guy who cleans my furnace.

Q9-LMN: Droid name.  

Girls:

QUICHE: No “real men” jokes har har har!!  But seriously, this French name has been rarely used since the late 1700s, when Countess Quiche d’Uvula (“The Shoe’d Contessa”) was beheaded. 

QUILA: Short for “Tequila,” a name that would just make a lot of people very, very sad for your daughter.

R

Boys:

RA’S AL GHUL: Popular among Irish-American immigrants in the 1930s, eg. comedian Ra’s Al Ghul Mooney, known for playing hapless policemen.

ROQUEFORT: Now mainly thought of as a kind of cheese made from sheep’s milk, Rodalio Wendell Roquefort was a renowned, swashbuckling libertine, often seen with his prize-winning sheep, known for their soft, creamy milk (which he frequently made into cheese).

Girls:

RAGGEDY-ANN: Really the only option if your baby girl has a flat, red triangle where her nose should be.  Raggedy-Ann Barnaby was the United States Secretary of Transportation during the third Taft Administration.

ROOF: Mispronunciation of “Ruth,” common due to Ruths often being the daughters of toothless hillbillies.

S

Boys:

SLANDON: Slandon Fields, Kentucky was the site of the final battle in the Civil War, fought by confused, elderly soldiers in August 1924.

STARCHILD: Nicknames include Starchie, Startcho, Starchface, Starchopolis.

Girls:

SHALALALAMA: Midlothian for “shirt covered in food.”  Shalalalalama Eubanks was the astronaut daughter of game show personality Bob Eubanks.  Both were murdered by Ted Bundy — exactly ten years ago tonight!!!!

SONYA: Femine form of “Sony” - famed for their TVs and play-stations.

T

Boys:

THARGURN: Common name chosen by D&D players who think they’re making up a brand-new, Tolkein-sounding name but they’re actually just like the thousandth person to come up with “Thargurn.”

TUXEDOMAN: He’s spiffy! He’s spatty! He’s outragous, contagious and batty! He’s fancy!  Look at him dancing!  He totally stupenderous, positively boisterous, he’s the famous Tuxedomaaaaaaaan! 

Girls:

TENSE: Short for “Hortense.”  And look, as bad a name as “Tense” is, it’s way better than “Hortense.”

TISH: Phonetically, it’s “shit” backwards, but nobody will remember that when they get to know your lovely, charismatic daughter!

BABY NAMES FOR LETTERS U THRU ZED COMING UP NEXT THURSDAY!!!

Letters To The Editor

Dear Makers of Laffzone,

I very much enjoyed your article on wood-bending [“From A Stupid Tree To A Comfy As Hell Chair: The Art Of Making Wood Into Things,” August 4, 2010], but after utilizing several of the techniques described therein, I’ve had some pretty major issues, both medical and fire-related.  While it’s not in my nature to complain, and I really do wish the author of the piece (and all the rest of you Laffzone knuckleheads!) nothing but the best, I’m wondering if perhaps the topic should be revisited?  For instance, using the (very-flammable) industrial glue to “soften” oak (which it most certainly doesn’t do!), as suggested in Step 9, led to the evacuation of my entire apartment building because of dangerous, noxious, and very flammable(!) fumes.  Normally, I don’t mind being hospitalized, but in this case it was my son’s graduation (not your fault, I know), and I just hated to have to miss it.

Anyway, please don’t stop publishing your thing.  Just try and be careful! 

Best of luck,

Talia Huntensletter, Cample, MD

Thanks, Talia!  Send us some pictures of your wood projects and we’ll put them up on the site!

Dear Ed(itors),

I’ve only seen the movie ten times, so maybe I’m just a “know-nothing,” but I really have to take issue with your movie reviewer’s “F” grade on the new Harry Potter movie [“Ugh, Harry Potter? More Like Horrible Plodder!: The Worst Yet In A Long Line Of Utterly Worthless Movies Made By Jerks For Idiots”].

I realize that no movie can please everybody, but it seems like your “review” was just a series of alliterative put-downs like: “Potter’s one pretty putrid pile of pure pigeon-puke” and “this film flop flips flagrantly from fuddy-duddy flunkery to flat-out fart-tastic flabbiness,” and “garish goons gallivant gluttonously, giving guttural glimpses to gumshoe goblins.”  That last one I can’t even figure out how it has anything to do with the movie!

Opinions, as they say, are like haircuts — everybody’s got one!  I’m just thinking maybe next time you could offer another opinion, point/counter-point style.  Just an idea!

Hugh Ewing, Sebastapol, ID

Thanks for the input, Hugh, but you sure put the “ass” in “assonance!”  J/k, buddy. 

Dear Laffzone Staff,

Or should that be STAFFZONE? Ha ha.  That’s all.  Peace out!

Jorge Westerly, Chalice, ND

Thanks for that one, Jorge!  I haven’t laughed that hard since my mom’s surgery!

ATTN: Editorial:

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVRYHTING?  OR EVEN ANTYHING?  YOUR JUST A BUNCH OF SNIVVELING LIBREL MEDIA RETRADS AND IM NEVER VISITTING YOU’RE SIGHT AGAIN AND MY FAMILYS BOYCOTING ALL YOUR SPONSERS [“A Little Old Driver, So Lively And Quick: The Top 20 Most Indelible Portrayals of Santa Claus”]

Clancy Horne, Seattle, WA

Wow, Clancy, you really don’t like Edmund Gwenn! ;)

While I appreciated your article on beets [“Beets Me: 501 Uses For Beets That Don’t Require Water, Heat, Electricity, Or Drums,” September 2009], I felt your approach to Devo [“Q: Are They Any Good? A: They’re OK If You Like They Might Be Giants: Devo, Post-Culturism, The Yahoo Generation, And The Dangers Of Relativist Pop: A Reconsideration of Devo,” Spring 2008] was as reductivist as your series on cattle [“‘Til The Cows Come… Homelessness?: Issues Of Vagrancy In The Beef Industry,” June 2010], and paled next to Ruthrop’s hilarious satirical tirade against the Carter administration [“Jimmy Crack Corn And I DO Care: Why Carter Failed Israel And Why It Doesn’t Matter,” April 1989], I enjoyed it on the whole.

But [“Legends Of Dentistry Revealed, Pt. 9: Did Dr. Marvin Schemmel DDS Remove Diana Ross’s Wisdom Teeth With A Stapler?” Noon, 1995] why [“How To Travel Libya For $45/Day,” Christmas Special, 2002] does [“A Gentleman Can Live Through Anything: A Virtual Tour Of William Faulkner’s South With Photographer Marlon Dreck,” October 2011] your [“Sexy Tips For The Perfect Carrot Costume,” Q1 FY06] site [“Review: Seasons 1-4 Of Scrubs,” Literary Annual, No. 45] load [“Consumer Alert!: Arizona Tea Found To Cause Measles In Mice,” November/July 1999] so [“Uh-Huh! And Other Words, Phrases, And Acronyms That Feature The Letter U,” Halloween Special 1876] slowly [“B.B. King’s Bastard Love-Child To Host 93rd Annual Clauding Day Roast Of Steven Baldwin,” March 2001] on [“How Black Sabbath Saved My Life, And Other Stupid Things Written By Chuck Klosterman,” unpublished] my [“10 Ways To Know Your Dad Is Cheating On His New Wife With Your Mom,” April Fools Day Special 2009] laptop [“Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah: A Post-Freudian Approach To Allan Sherman’s Dystopic Vision Of America,” May 2012]?

Mal Groon, Buttonville, IL

Ask your favorite IT guy to be sure, but maybe try disabling cookies?  Good luck, and keep reading! 

Part II of The Winky Sturges Tough Guide to All That Jazz (and Rock & Country): In This Edition The Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Albums By The Doors

James Hannibal Morrison: An American Guy (1943-1971)

Hello!  Remember last time when I told you about the first, second, and third albums of the Doors? (If not you can find it HERE.) Well, I did a little digging (online) and discovered three more records by the selfsame band!

THE DOORS: A SOFT PARADE (1982): Legend has it that Jim and Ray (Morrison and Manzarek are their last names) of the Doors were asked to take part in the 89th Annual Clauding Day Parade in Niceville, Florida.  Having never seen a parade before (parades had just been invented) they were absolutely floored by the experience—so floored that they nearly changed their bandname to The Flooreds, but were voted down by bandmates Tagg Chance, Chloe Feldberg, Magnus Klorrr, Dennis, Odie Bulletpan, Kaspar Gluten, Tennis Freehold, Cher (not that Cher), Shang-Chi, Mister Pony, Jar Jar Barrymore, Jeff “Skunk” Skunkster, and Lefty Smedweather (guitar, guitar, bass, drums, bass, percussion, keys, guitar, backup vocals, percussion, guitar, and bass, and drums, respectively).

Anyway, the point is Rim and Jay (as they often jokingly referred to one another) became obsessed with the brave new world of paradism and rushed into their rehearsal space to start penning a concept album on the subject (parades).

And the result of those frenzied songwriting sessions?  None other than the Doors’ finest album, Soft Parades.  The first track is called “Tell All The People” and is about telling people about how great parades are.  It features an all-oriental brass band and someone playing the congas.  The Beatles often cited this as their most favorite song of the ’60s, and it’s easy to see why!

Secondly on this album is a song called “Do It” which you might remember from the famous Nike commercials in the 1990s directed by Spike Lee.

Third up is a song called “Sha-man’s Blues” which Jim wrote about the time he was abducted by aliens and one of them entered his body and told him how to become a Shape Man or “sha-man” (pronounced “shommin”).  A Shape Man, he was told, can turn into a rectangle or triangle or question mark, but not a circle.  Hence his “blues.”

Next up is “Easy Ride” and for once I’m not even kidding you with this: I’ve listened to the Soft Parade roughly nine million times over the past twenty years and for the life of me I cannot remember how this one goes.  I assume it’s pretty good, though, because it’s on a Doors album and they only allowed the best, most-excellent tunes onto their product.  If someone can hum this one to me to jog my memory, please call Tuskaloosa-4542, and ask for bigdoorsfan1991. Onward!

Moving on to Side 2, you get the all-time classic “Wild Child,” another in a long line of Morrison songs to feature two words in the title that rhyme.  Other examples include “Long Song,” “Dear Beer,” “Cool Stool,” “Tan Man,” and “Sad Dad.”

Moving on to Song 2 on Side 2, we come to “Runnin’ Blue” which is the Doors taking a crack at country & western (or “counwestryern”) music.  The “Otis” referred to in the opening lines (“Poor Otis dead and gone…”) is of course the famous inventor of the elevator, Otis T. Elevator.

Penultimately is the pretty ballad “Wishful, Sinful” which features bird and pterodactyl noises and other colorful sound effects (like wind).  This heartbreaking tune was written by guitarist Handsome Jake Hornblower about his girlfriend, Larry (sadly now dead).

Finally, the last song of this minirockopera/suite/opus/album/souffle is the long (in terms of length) “That Soft Parade,” which contains nine thousand verses and only one chorus (“SOFT! PARADE! SOFT! PARADE! YEAH! SUCH A SOFT! PARADE!”).  This song is in 9/7 time, I’m pretty sure, but you’d have to ask a drummer.

If you asked me to sum up this collection of tunes, I would say: “Another bullseye by the Doors!” and then laugh.

THE DOORS: MORRISON HOTEL (2067): By now The Doors had made a whole bunch of albums (like nine or something) but there was one area they hadn’t yet touched. That’s right, I’m talking about the blues.

With Morrison Hotel—named after an actual hotel that was named after Doors singer Jim Morrison, who was himself named after the famous hotel, which was named after this (self-titled) album—the Doors would crash headlong into the shiny brick wall of the blues with songs like “Roadhouse (Blues).”  With its famous exhortation to “let it roll, baby, roll” and the famous line “Woke up this mornin’ and I got myself up here,” it may be the definitive blues song of all time, and certainly one of the very first.

Elsewhere on the album, the band flexes their musical muscles like musical body-builders with huge, bulging muscles, both musical and otherwise.  Songs like “Land Ho” (about a boat) and “Ship of Fools” (about a different boat) became instant classics (especially among boaters), and “Peace Frog” was their finest animal song since “Twentieth Century Fox.” 

The only bummer about Morrison Hotel is that there are no long compositions like the ones that made the Doors so famous.  Thankfully, modern digital technology allows us to play all of the tunes at a mere fraction of their original speed, stretching out such too-short numbers as “You Make Me Real” and “Blue Sunday” to epic, Doors-ian lengths.  If you don’t know how to do this, ask someone on the street or buy a book for Christ’s sake.

The album also features the song “The Spy” which has been used in at least four James Bond movies for obvious reasons.

But the Doors wouldn’t be resting on their laurels for long—only like seven or eight years—because their next move would surprise even themselves … and others!  Please read on!

THE DOORS: LA WOMAN (the Sixties):  As everyone knows, shortly before his death (or is it??!?), Jim Morrison moved to France.  What maybe you don’t know is that he went there to learn how to speak their beautiful language.  As he soon discovered, that language was known as French, as in the toast.

Hence the confusing title of this, the final album by Le Doors.

The first song on La Woman is “The Changeling” (pronounced “chang-a-ling” like the sound your keys might make) and it’s about keys, and the sounds they make.  Expert rock critic Greil Marcus once said, “I will have the turkey,” because he was in a restaurant in Bridgeport and that was the only thing on the menu that looked good.  Along the same lines, this song is GOOD.

The second song on the album is the famous hit “(Doncha) Love Her Madly?”  The “her” of the title is as mysterious as Mona Lisa’s smile, and twice as sexy!  If I had to guess, I would guess that this song is about the guitarist’s girlfriend because he wrote the song and if he wrote it about another woman his girlfriend would likely be upset, especially if he wrote it about someone else’s girlfriend (like Jim’s) in which case not only would his own girlfriend be mad at him but the other girl’s boyfriend would be mad at him and since these are turbulent times we’re talking about (JFK had just been assassinated, the Korean War loomed), there might have been a lot of yelling and screaming which would have completely ruined the song. 

The third and fourth songs on Side One and the fourth song on Side Two are all what you might call blues numbers.  Speaking of numbers, that comes out to 3+4 times ONE, which is 7, to the power of 4 times TWO, or 7 to the 8th power which is probably a pretty big number (in the thousands or so) but don’t ask the Doors what the answer is because they’re too busy playing music to carry around calculators.  But if you WERE going to ask one of them, I would ask Ray because he’s the one in the glasses and therefore most likely to have such a thing.

All of the other songs on the album are about killer robots and most of them rhyme.

And there you have the magnificent career of the fabulous DOORS!  Check in next week when we examine every Eurovision Song Contest winner since 1956!

Ideas for Tumblrs that would have made us millionaires

Given the recent scare (someone jumped out and surprised me while i was checking my mail cubbie at work and I screamed) we decided it was time to backup our precious tumblr and all its precious gold of comedy and gold.

It didn’t take long to back up, we realized, because we put a lot of words on this thing, and not many photos. It got us thinking: If Ricky Schroeder’s riding toy train went outside, wouldn’t there be a terrible draft through the house? Then we thought about what else we could have been spending our time chronicling on this here “Tumbler” that would have gotten us a book deal and the millions of dollars anyone who gets a book published obviously makes. I mean, who ever heard of bad writing?  We don’t!

So the key seems to be PHOTOS — and lots of ‘em. Lots ‘n’ lots of photos centered around a charming theme that illuminates humanity in all its glorious variety and pathos (whatever those are!), and very few, if any, words.

We’re still hoping to cash in on a Laffzbook one of these days, but until then here are some surefire ideas for photoblogs (or “phlogs”) we’re happy to share with you.

AND HEREWITH AN ALPHABETIZED LIST OF IDEAS FOR BLOG-THEMES THAT WILL DEFINITELY RESULT IN A LUCRATIVE PUBLISHING CONTRACT AND COFFEETABLE-SIZED BOOK

• photos of gross pizzas
• dogs in cat costumes
• people I photographed on the way to work who were dressed weird
• sidewalk barf
• candy that accidentally went through the wash
• pretty girls playing Magic: The Gathering
• Japanese cowboys
• Bodegas
• fire hydrants that people painted funny
• squirrels I have known
• obscene snowmen
• cats in the pool!
• Hasidim looking surprised by something
• fat surfers
• hideous guitars
• giant fake cakes after people have jumped out of them
• pretty girls who work at minimarts
• gross doughnuts
• 40+ year olds playing Xbox
• babies in KISS makeup
• people riding people like horses
• pictures of people looking at pictures they just took in a photobooth
• clowns without makeup
• my friends having more fun than you
• mimes yelling at non-mimes
• weird bike locks
• mismatched socks
• people taking public transportation from sporting events
• parents getting stoned
• drawers full of menus
• Chinese-run Mexican restaurants
• Mexican-run Chinese restaurants
• Sad mini-golf places
• last-place science projects
• people waiting in line at Rachel Ray book-signings
• Disneyland employees dressed as Disney characters just standing around
• water bottles filled with pee
• buffet tables
• dance classes you can see from the street
• undeliverable mail
• mediocre tattoos
• signs with unnecessary apostrophes
• pretty girls eating buffalo wings
• bars that keep Christmas decorations up year-round
• illegaly parked cars
• men getting their inseam measurements
• stores where you can’t tell what they sell
• zoo animals that look just like animals you see all the time
• 80s stickers

Our Favorite Dennis Miller Jokes

“When I brought home the poodle, my girlfriend started screaming louder than Tammy Faye Baker at a Kentucky Colonels performance of ‘Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina’ during the Jerry Lewis telethon.”

“They looked like Donnie and Marie sharing snack cakes with Anwar Sadat on the set of ‘Now, Voyager’ on Flag Day.”

“Trains are fine I guess but you’d think they were turning passengers into gold-plated chicken fried rice encyclopedias on the way to Jerry Lee Lewis’s suite at Alcatraz.”

“He smelled like Connie Francis after an acid bath on the forest moon of Endor with a side salad and Red Foxx’s Gary Busey impression.”

“I’d smack him faster than Beetle Bailey on a coke jag wearing Tip O’Neil’s dickie strapped to a Ford Fairlane with leopard print spandex suspenders.”

“That woman eats more than Rob Lowe’s chauffeur on his way to Subway to pick up birthday presents for Nel Carter’s bathing suit in the Philippines.”

“Have you seen this World Series of Poker? It’s like an egg timer got loose at a Public Enemy concert where Umberto Eco is the opening act.”

“The American legal system has more holes in it than a Rudy Valentino poster in a prison yard with Larry Flynt’s rolodex at the Jerry Lewis telethon.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love cake.  It’s just that when Congress starts telling me where to keep my Pearl Buck commemorative napkin set I know something’s wrong with this country.”

“That’s the thing about the French, you know?  They surrender like Melvin Van Peebles during a midnight showing of ‘The Seventh Seal’ in Talahassee in leopard print spandex suspenders.”

“So I read something in the news today. They say the sun’s going to explode sooner than Gary Busey’s taillights at a Radio Shack Christmas party in San Bernardino with Loggins and Messina on eight track cassette.”

“Enough with the gourmet cheese obsession people. It’s like everybody went to see the same Imamura film marathon and then immediately drove to Petco because they heard they were having a methadone sale.”

“Hey folks, let’s stop it with the microwaves, ok?”

“The democrats want to raise taxes.  Last time I checked, this country was going faster than Jerry Van Dyke’s drool cup in a Marcel Proust adaptation starring the Yancy Street Irregulars and Bishop Desmond Tutu.”

“Michael Jackson was on TV last night.  General Burnside, Daisy Buchanan, Gary Busey, Jerry Lewis Telethon, Tito Puente, Carol Channing, the Ayatollah, Mexican food, Gary Busey.”